More sweaty armpits and addled brains

I am really thinking there is a market for books about the topsy-turvy world of gyms. Last week my partner and her sister went to one called KX which was wonderful. It is an absolute snip at £300 a month – plus a trifling £1500 for life membership.

They are perfect, says my partner. “Their attention to detail is impeccable. You get lots of really expensive free toiletries. They even give you flip-flops.”

To be honest, at that price I’d expect free blow-jobs – but there you are.

Tonight we all trooped off to check out somewhere called The Third Space near Piccadilly Circus. The guy who showed us round – William – did a great selling job, but his skills were wasted, as the yoga man was extremely rude, greeting the girls with a snappish, “You’re late!”

Considering this joint costs over a hundred quid a month you might think a little politeness was in order but clearly the arrogant twat hasn’t yet worked out where his money comes from.

In fact that graceless greeting was about the only thing they did hear clearly, as the freezing air conditioning drowned out his whispered instructions. Mind you, they needed some air-conditioning; the place was amazingly crowded, except for the swimming pool, which is excellent and empty.

On balance the girls think the most expensive place they’ve tried is the best value. I think they should save the money, buy a nice new car instead and ride round on bikes to keep fit.

Incidentally, the clowns at LA Fitness, having totally ignored them when they were there, rang to ask if they’d like to become members. Rather like an 18th century whore asking if you’d like a dose of the pox.

That’s quite enough about gyms – but isn’t it odd how half the population is trying to eat, drink and drug itself to death while the other half is pelting round Hyde Park, doing aerobics, eating seeds and falling for utterly bogus tripe about de-toxing.

Odd creatures, people.

About the Author


In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.


  1. It’s utterly amazing how regularly people and organisations forget who pays their wages.

    On a slightly related aside, it was great to see Northern Rock customers demonstrating who is in charge.

  2. This is so funny. It sounds like the choice of gyms down there are even worse than the ones up here.

    I will soon be leaving Bannatyne’s. Am tired of their restrictive hours for kids in the pool, and their rude staff.

    Last time we went one of us had forgotten our membership card and they said if we did it again – they wouldn’t give us a towel!

  3. Rob Watson

    Drayton, your writing has always struck a chord with me, but the last few days have reached new heights!

    I too used to say words to the effect of “for that price I’d expect a blow-job too” when faced with a potential rip-off. I say it a lot less now as my wife looks disgusted when I say it, but your post made me laugh out loud in an open plan office. My intrigued colleague (also a Cannons member, or should I say victim) demanded an explanation and was equally amused.

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