How are you? I’m in a good mood for two reasons. First, an old colleague sent me some posters that were good fun – but the idiot machine that lets you upload things said they were “dangerous” so I can’t upload them.
Anyhow, I got another good laugh from an email headed “To whom it may concern” followed by some copy whose style I instantly spotted as that of my old boss Zebediah Snodgrass, Chief Copywriter at Land-Of-The-Dead-Creative (Wigan, 1923) Ltd.
To get the full effect it most be read very slowly, with dramatic pauses.
Firstly, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read our email. At our office we pride ourselves on being able to create a strategy to deliver the right messages to the right people at the right time.
We understand that businesses will continue to make use of traditional marketing methods, such as exhibitions & advertising but we feel email marketing adds a whole new element to the marketing mix.
At this point I said to myself, “Well, fancy that!” before reading on:
We have helped many businesses produce great results with email marketing and its flexible and cost-effective (packages start from 195 per month) nature makes it particularly suitable for all businesses.
In addition, we can also offer specialist lead generation to take away the hassle of chasing the leads generated by your campaign. Speak to us today about our lead generation packages.
We consider our data to be of the highest quality, so if you are not looking for email marketing but are looking for specifically tailored data that could help your business, our sales staff would love to talk to you!
If Email marketing is still a mystery to you or if you like to see how to do it properly then please view our demonstration of how we do it.
It then whisked me off to a white landing page with a flash video that took time to load and gave a cartoon demo for the simple-minded.
All good fun – and no doubt it will find the appropriate prospects.
Dear Drayton, I'm happy you're in a good mood today. We can be happy together then, although I trump your number of reasons with three. First, I was reminded, courtesy of Bristol Zoo, that if you make customers feel good and give them a great experience at the same time, they'll open their wallets with gay abandon. Second, I had a very nice email from a stranger complimenting a letter I'd written that had appeared in a marketing trade rag. And third, as of today my Twitter stream is now being followed by no less than London's 'coolest' law firm. How do I know this apparent oxymoron is for real? Because it's how the founder trumpets his firm's Twitter account biography.
I couldn't resist writing to him to tell him it’s unlikely anyone wants 'cool' from their law firm and to find a better USP fast before anyone important sees it, or at least ditch it until such time. He replied with what seemed a little ‘froideur’ saying that he probably will, that he didn't take Twitter seriously anyway (which is evident because he’s following 8,000+ people) and that it’s better to be talked about than not at all. Some people are so bloody ungrateful on receipt of free, sensible advice, wouldn't you agree?
You should be writing my stuff, Andy. I salute anyone who can get froideur into the same piece as Bristol Zoo and oxymoron. Incidentally believe the oxymorons in Bristol Zoo are poisonous.
“At this point I said to myself, “Well, fancy that!” before reading on:”
I don't know why, but on reading this bit, images of Laurel and Hardy and Will Hay flashed into my mind.
Lawyers today are in a sad fix, as I discovered from two recent experiences – a ruinously costly divorce, and writing a 40,000 word report on legal marketing. They are circumscribed by one set of pussyfooting regulation which makes it almost impossible for them to give frank advice; whilst another set means they face competition from real marketers, like Tesco. I hope the latter will moderate their traditional rapacity – but I doubt it. Dr. Johnson made the best legal joke: “I do not wish to speak ill of any man, but I believe the gentleman is an attorney.”
We “feel” email marketing works? I don’t believe in feelings. SHOW ME THE NUMBERS! sn