How to lose money: get your email absolutely 100% wrong

Can you buy something you can’t pronounce? This made my jet-lag infinitely worse

The other day I wrote about the folly of whoever has bought Yellow Pages and renamed it for reasons only God can surmise after what sounds like an island in the Philippines.

Yesterday, as I was recovering from a traumatic trip to Iran, my friend Andrew Gadsden forwarded an email from them, headed “Keep on the button (we’re changing email)” and commented:

I find this incredibly depressing – from the salutation “Hello Mr. A Gadsden” onwards.

Yellow Pages must be one of the best-known names in the world.  Now they’re chucking it all away.

They have even spent out on a special font with a large lower-case “h”. 

They might do better if they told people how to pronounce hibu – at least then people could start to remember it. 

I don’t think people buy things they can’t pronounce.

Andrew

Here’s the e-mail. Have a look, and I’ll elaborate on how dumb it is.

OK: now what conceivable reason does the phrase “Keep on the button (we’re changing email)” give you to read on? Where is the benefit? Free booze? Voluptuous blondes? Performing elephants?

No. They want to tell me their email address has changed. Do I care? Why should I? Why should I want to write to them? Even if I did it is from “the team”. Who do I write to?

Only someone like my friend Andrew (or me) who collects stupid emails would be interested.

And if one were tempted to read on there is a stock picture (always a bad idea) of a smirking girl looking away from the message – which is where the eye will go.

Then we have three options, none of any interest.

It really does make you wonder – as I often do – have any of these people ever studied, even for a fleeting second – what business is all about? Was someone paid to put this together? If so, where did they learn their trade? Writing on greengrocers’ windows?

A puzzlement.

As Peter Drucker observed, “There is only one profit centre in business. It is your customer.” And it sure as hell isn’t silly emails about your email address.

By the way, if you are interested in the best tea money can buy, go to http://www.allabouttea.co.uk/ which is Andrew’s website. And no, he is  not paying me to write this.