Would I like to work for Lloyds Bank? And whatever happened to doing your homework?

Even amongst the waves of meaningless pap that pour into my inbox, this asinine email from a job-slob stood out for sheer sloth and incompetence

I guess you, like me, get the usual crop of inane waffle in your inbox.

For instance today I was asked “Drayton, how effective are you at engaging with your database?” – which aroused an extraordinary level of irritation considering I haven’t a hangover.

But entertainment to soothe my savage breast came in the form of a wag who wrote offering me a job at Lloyd’s Bank:

From: Andrew Southall <Andrew.Southall@imsworldwide.uk.com>
Date: 17 July 2014 16:22:04 BST
To: “db@draytonbird.com” <db@draytonbird.com>
Subject: RE: Website

Hi Drayton,

Hope you’re well. I came across your website and twitter profile while recruiting for a role that may be of interest to you. I’m recruiting on behalf of Lloyds Banking Group as we change the major websites that they operate through as a part of the Digital Transformation programme, providing new services to customers and making the bank more accessible and up to date, much like other large companies like EE, Sainsbury’s and so forth.

If it is of interest do get back to me as soon as you can and send me an updated copy of your CV as well as confirming that you are happy to go forward.

I read on, panting with excitement to learn that the job pays up to £180 per day, and “this particular resource” (me) would be a content editor for six months or more.

During that time I would “Execute timely and accurate delivery of content changes to Lloyds / HBOS branded secure and non secure sites, via Teamsite content management system.

And I would Work closely with Customer Experience Site Managers and onsite ecommerce in interpreting copy and layout changes to turn these into quality content.

I suspect my wrist would be slapped if I failed to Follow governance processes in place and ensure accurate documentation of change for audit trail. Ensuring the website adheres to standards and guidelines: Brand guidelines, DDA, site structure, tone of voice, performance, legal & compliance.”

No wonder, for I would also have “Responsibility for applying due diligence to authorise changes to the Live websites.”

And for my £180 a day I would “Provide consultancy services on content change both within digital and across the wider content population as Subject Matter Experts”.

There was yet more.

“The role holder” (me again) would be responsible for making timely and accurate content changes to the public and secure websites ranging from small content changes to working on large project pieces.
In addition to the day to day responsibilities the role holder will need to be able to:
• Work to agreed timescales and manage own workload.
• Work well under pressure
• Manage stakeholder expectations
• Have a very high level of attention to detail. Accuracy is vital.
• Work well as part of a team.

But there was still yet more. I would also need:

Experience with Content Management Systems (CMS), as well an understanding of basic HTML code.

And I would be good at Teamworking. And need
• Basic Technical knowledge of the web and HTML.
• Basic knowledge of TeamSite or another CMS.
• Taking ownership of change and seeing it through.
• Managing stakeholders and meeting expectations.
• Self Organisation

What brought a wry smile was the news that “Ideally someone with web experience would preferable.”

I assume the missing “be” was just to see if I was paying attention, but essentially this was like digging through the stinking literary garbage found in the intellectual dustbins of commerce.”

And would I like to “go forward”? I’d run a bloody mile. Three days, never mind six months working with people who talk like that would drive any normal person to self-harm and perhaps suicide.

As you can imagine, my P.A., the redoubtable Kelly couldn’t wait to alert me to this opportunity.

But as you can also imagine, either Mr. Southall never really looked at my website or is too thick to comprehend that the person it is named after just isn’t up to the demands of a job like that.

Kelly, however, got a lot of laughs out of it all – especially when I told her that in 1986 I actually introduced Lloyds Bank to the joys of direct marketing.

Only estate agents are more useless than recruitment agencies.

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

7 Comments

  1. Reminds me of the email I received from a recruitment agent a few months ago:

    Hi Claudia,

    Thanks for sending your CV. I’m guessing that you mean ‘pedantic’ in your profile summary not ‘pedant’?

    I have changed it at my end.

    Kind Regards

    I told him he’d also find ‘pedant’ in the dictionary, and that it wasn’t in general wise to “correct” a copywriter’s CV.

    Deep breaths.

  2. Mark B

    Reading that post made my day. Well said! I have had a lot of emails like this from people that clearly DIDN’T read my CV at all. They are idiots.
    I also used to work for TSB and then Lloyds TSB after the merger. Before the merger it was a great place to be, after it was awful. I couldn’t wait to escape and begged for (and got) voluntary severance. It was one of the best moves I ever made.

    1. Drayton

      This is really just a couple of tales apropos of nothing much except maybe my incompetence. When we were approached by Lloyds – it must have been around 1982 – I had to go and see them with one of my account directors. I assumed he had prepared for the meeting. He assumed I had. We were both wrong.

      So in the cab down to the City from our offices I wrote ten points – literally on the back of an envelope – that I thought they should consider when embarking on direct marketing. We got the business.

      The ten points eventually came to form most of a chapter in Commonsense Direct Marketing. And the Lloyd’s people drove me mad (as did every bank I ever worked with except one I helped to launch in Madrid. They just didn’t pay all my fees).

      At one point I got talking to the manager of Lloyds in Covent Garden where my account was. “They drive me bloody mad” I said. He replied “You should see what they do to us.”

      Some years later Lloyds were looking for an agency to launch an online banking firm (they failed of course). When I went to see them I discovered that all the people working on this important project were actually consultants. They couldn’t even launch their own business. None of the banks appear to have competent people at the top. None should be paid what they get. Some should be in jail. I feel sorry for their employees.

  3. Jack J

    Maybe they think of you as something of a dark horse?

    1. Drayton

      Nice one, Jack:-)

  4. Love it. Classic corporate recruitment crapola.
    I’ve come across so many of these types of emails written in this sort of garbage talk. Brilliant.

    Plus they expect to get someone for just 180 quid a day to do all that.

    Mind you they probably will find some sucker from somewhere.

  5. Forgot to say, I love the term “role holder”. Is that similar to toilet-roll holder?

    Why not just say “candidate”?

    I’ve received loads of mails with this kind of stuff in them and I continue to receive them. I used to keep some of the funniest ones but I since had a clear out and deleted the lot.

    Wish now that I’d kept them. But not really any need seeing as they continue to churn out this stuff on a regular basis. There’s no shortage of it.

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