Health and safety warning

When you get to my age you have to keep a close eye on your health. I think I go to no end of trouble – breathe on a mirror every morning to see if I’m still alive and so …

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This week’s great read

What a wonderful day! My business worries are over. Someone has e-mailed me about a book that “provides readers with proven business intelligence from C-Level executives (Chairman, CEO, CFO, CMO, Partner) from the world’s most respected companies nationwide.” I like …

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Do I look as though I’m 17?

I have clearly discovered the secret of eternal life. Last Saturday an idiot in the Kings Road Tesco, where I went to buy some cooking plonk, greeted me at the check out with this astounding request: “Can I have proof …

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In awe of this stupidity

Anyone out there who can tell me how this makes anything even vaguely resembling sense? My colleagues and I are organising a conference in Brussels (which means they’re actually organising it and I’m asking irrelevant questions). Anyhow, my PA Iane …

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“Fings ain’t what they used to be”

That was a very popular show back in the ‘60’s. It struck a chord partly because we all moan about things going downhill. For instance, for hundreds – no, thousands – of years, people used to get married then have …

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A pig’s point of view

The first proper money I ever made was in my parents’ restaurant at the Sycamore Inn in Ashton-under-Lyne – a good 18th century pub of character which has since been utterly ruined by the tasteless halfwits at the brewery which …

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Merci bien, Swans: tres gentil

You don’t often get anyone who’ll translate stuff for nothing into French – which is what Swans Paul did with my last piece without being asked. Thank you! My French is a joke, but not such a good joke that …

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Irony – and your comments

Just for the benefit of anyone who’s had an irreversible sense of humour bypass operation, an explanation. Much of what goes on in the world today is far too serious to be treated seriously, so many of these pieces are …

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