Do I look as though I’m 17?

I have clearly discovered the secret of eternal life. Last Saturday an idiot in the Kings Road Tesco, where I went to buy some cooking plonk, greeted me at the check out with this astounding request: “Can I have proof …

Read More

In awe of this stupidity

Anyone out there who can tell me how this makes anything even vaguely resembling sense? My colleagues and I are organising a conference in Brussels (which means they’re actually organising it and I’m asking irrelevant questions). Anyhow, my PA Iane …

Read More

“Fings ain’t what they used to be”

That was a very popular show back in the ‘60’s. It struck a chord partly because we all moan about things going downhill. For instance, for hundreds – no, thousands – of years, people used to get married then have …

Read More

A pig’s point of view

The first proper money I ever made was in my parents’ restaurant at the Sycamore Inn in Ashton-under-Lyne – a good 18th century pub of character which has since been utterly ruined by the tasteless halfwits at the brewery which …

Read More

Merci bien, Swans: tres gentil

You don’t often get anyone who’ll translate stuff for nothing into French – which is what Swans Paul did with my last piece without being asked. Thank you! My French is a joke, but not such a good joke that …

Read More

Irony – and your comments

Just for the benefit of anyone who’s had an irreversible sense of humour bypass operation, an explanation. Much of what goes on in the world today is far too serious to be treated seriously, so many of these pieces are …

Read More

What about the poor bloody workers?

I suspect this line was usd by Peter Sellers as Mr. Kite, the shop steward in “I’m alright Jack”. It certainly used to produce guffaws years ago whenever quoted as a parody of the average trades union moaner. But when …

Read More