Richly deserved comic masterpiece

You know how every now and then you read something and say “I wish I’d written that”?

For one reason or another I’m not really equipped to have written what follows, but how marvellous! It was sent to me by a lady in Australia – thanks, Chrissina!

It is a letter sent from an Austin woman to Procter and Gamble about their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing
you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I
type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me
to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your
tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling,
laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything
‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the
local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’,

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to
take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
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