Yours for £65,000 in The Guardian Jobs section … just in case you’re wondering how they’re STILL pissing your money away

The only real requirement is that you can sit in meetings all day talking total bollocks, as follows.

Assistant Directors of Strategy Development (G6) 3 posts

Ref: CS6010

You will lead strategy development in your area; embedding robust strategic action plans and working closely with senior and board-level staff. These are important ambassadorial roles where you’ll be working on high-profile programmes in a complex environment. So it’s vital that you can find your feet quickly.

You will have the ability to develop a clear vision and lead its development and communication to a wide audience. There’ll be a highly skilled strategy development team to manage, plus strategic delivery partners to liaise with. You will be working with teams across IPS and also Home Office Strategy teams to develop a shared agenda.

You should have previous experience of developing and introducing business strategies, and building programmes from scratch, drawing on your quick mind and first-class interpersonal skills. Political astuteness, personal gravitas and a gift for communication will help you negotiate and gain buy-in to strategy options.

What unadulterated drivel. You don’t need a “strategy” to issue passports, you wankers. I use the word advisedly, as we’re talking about a department of the Home Office, which is next door to the Department of Barbecue and Porn Procurement, Head of Corporate Strategy. J. Smith.

And there are plenty more where that came from: e.g. Strategy Development Managers (G7) Central London – £52,075 + benefits; Strategy Development Analysts (SEO) Central London – £36,412 + benefits; Regional Head of Housing and Economic Development – London Region Up to £70K plus regional allowances (where applicable) (More may be paid for exceptional candidates).

That’s £195,000 PLUS benefits pissed away on the first set of jobs. At least a million altogether.The “mission” of the first trio of time-wasters is to “safeguard identity whilst being a trusted and preferred provider of identity services. This means developing and providing the infrastructure to enable you to prove your identity in a convenient and secure manner and to protect your identity.”

For that it seems you need a “Strategy Development team responsible for four main areas: corporate strategy; National Identity Service (NIS) strategy; benefits realisation strategy; and safeguarding identity strategy. We’re looking for outstanding professionals to work and lead in these fast moving, exciting and challenging areas.”

Here’s how to save a few billion straight off. Fire, and don’t hire, anyone whose job can’t be described in plain English. This applies to the public sector and any firm with more than 150 people, which is about the number of people the Foreign Office employed when Britain ran a fair portion of the world 150 years ago.