My lost pornographic career. A little bouquet of obscenities – and what have I done with my life?

I just wrote to a friend asking why she seems to be forever having holidays in exotic places.

She replied with three words. “I have tits”.

Years ago when I was young and – relatively – handsome, I was asked to pose for pornographic photographs.

If the thought leaves you torn between nausea and disbelief, I quite understand. Read no further.

I had no objection to the idea in principle – I was quite flattered. But I felt I could never rise to the occasion and refused.

Which leads me to ask: have you been following the big debate about barring porn on the internet?

I bet this would be about as effective as banning prostitution, alcohol or drugs – i.e. create a wonderful new playground for criminals. Mexico is a good example of what happens.

The only research I have seen on the effects of porn suggested that it led to fewer sexual crimes. I can’t find the research – don’t think I downloaded it. But doesn’t it make sense? Porn is a substitute.

However, moodily reflecting on this lost career opportunity, I started listing matters far more obscene.

Children in one part of India starve whilst food is left to rot in another after a bumper harvest. The Children of the Lord in Africa run amok raping and slaughtering their own parents and it takes years and millions to bring the culprit to book. An Italian father jumps off a balcony with his two children – in despair.

On a lesser scale the man who led Aviva down and down is rewarded – with £1.75 million just to leave. And so on.

Yesterday I went through two magazines tearing out examples of appalling advertising to comment on.

How can I possibly be enraged by lousy ads? I have no sense of proportion.

What have I done with my life?