Corporate bollocks Down Under. And who, pray, pays your wages? Plus a good Kelvin McKenzie joke

Kim Williams: “I bore for Murdoch”

More years ago than I care to remember a big cheese at American Express came into our offices in 20, Soho Square to give us – rapt and breathless with excitement, oh yes – a presentation.

Since they were one of our larger accounts and I was in charge, I had to attend.

Those were the days before Death by Powerpoint, but given enough charts senior executives were pretty good at talking dreary corporate rubbish and my client did not fail to sink to the occasion.

He explained at some length with as much jargon as he could reasonably manage that the firm was going to reorganise itself around the Cardmember, which is Amex-speak for their customers.

The client was a friend, and no fool with a good sense of humour. He went on to run BUPA the big private health firm.

As I shepherded him out of our office afterwards I said, “So you’re organising things around the Cardmembers, eh, Rog. Where else did you all think the money comes from?”

I was reminded of this when I just read a turgid statement from Australia, reading as follows.

Newly appointed News Limited chief executive Kim Williams has projected the business will become “one united company” under his leadership. 

According to a report in The Australian, Williams sent an email to staff that demonstrated a very customer centric view of his vision for the company. 

Williams said News Limited is entering an ongoing transformation program , moving into “a remarkable era which will reflect renewed energetic devotion to our customers with continuing commitment to innovation in the diverse products we produce.

“I have been developing this program with the executive team in order to respond in a connected, appropriate, fashion to the incredibly competitive, rapidly changing world in which we all live.” 

According to The Australian, Williams said the business strategy will be confirmed in the coming weeks and will include “structural changes, clearly defined business goals and commercial targets, a practical set of company values, and a substantial transformation in our systems and behaviours.” 

In line with Williams’ focus on the customer he said to staff: “The key to our ongoing success will be seen in ensuring every one of us puts customers at the heart of everything we do.

“For our editorial teams, this means our consumers. For our sales teams, our advertisers, and for support functions like HR and IT, it means for our own people.”

Williams acknowledged that he had a large challenge to confront, concluding with the statement: “Frankly I wouldn’t swap this role or the challenges it provides for anything else!”

I should say that every time I read the expression “customer centric” I feel like throwing up, but all in all I think we can say that now silly cliché was left out of that load of old tripe. By the sound of it, our Kim believes in leadership by boredom.

This reminds me of a time when at short notice I was asked to present some awards in London. Sitting next to me was Kelvin McKenzie, former editor of The Sun who was giving the main speech. He stood up and told the audience that he had prepared two speeches, and we could choose which one we wanted to hear.

One was “A view of the future for Digital Radio” and the other was “Let’s pour a bucket of shit over Janet Street-Porter.”

Much more fun than Kim Williams.