I have clearly discovered the secret of eternal life. Last Saturday an idiot in the Kings Road Tesco, where I went to buy some cooking plonk, greeted me at the check out with this astounding request: “Can I have proof …
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In awe of this stupidity
Anyone out there who can tell me how this makes anything even vaguely resembling sense? My colleagues and I are organising a conference in Brussels (which means they’re actually organising it and I’m asking irrelevant questions). Anyhow, my PA Iane …
Read More“Fings ain’t what they used to be”
That was a very popular show back in the ‘60’s. It struck a chord partly because we all moan about things going downhill. For instance, for hundreds – no, thousands – of years, people used to get married then have …
Read MoreA pig’s point of view
The first proper money I ever made was in my parents’ restaurant at the Sycamore Inn in Ashton-under-Lyne – a good 18th century pub of character which has since been utterly ruined by the tasteless halfwits at the brewery which …
Read MoreMerci bien, Swans: tres gentil
You don’t often get anyone who’ll translate stuff for nothing into French – which is what Swans Paul did with my last piece without being asked. Thank you! My French is a joke, but not such a good joke that …
Read MoreIrony – and your comments
Just for the benefit of anyone who’s had an irreversible sense of humour bypass operation, an explanation. Much of what goes on in the world today is far too serious to be treated seriously, so many of these pieces are …
Read MoreHow to solve the immigration problem: the reverse BNP solution
Before I start, for the benefit of overseas readers I should explain that the BNP is the British Fascist Party, who keep on calling for the repatriation of everyone whose colour or ethnic origin they dislike. They are a sort …
Read MoreWhat about the poor bloody workers?
I suspect this line was usd by Peter Sellers as Mr. Kite, the shop steward in “I’m alright Jack”. It certainly used to produce guffaws years ago whenever quoted as a parody of the average trades union moaner. But when …
Read MoreIf you ever want to know what those a***holes have been doing with your cash …
… for the last ten years, don’t ask Gordon Brown – he’s just in charge of stealing it. Read this utter garbage. But after doing so, why not ask yourself a few questions, like: Is this not just a giant …
Read MoreOh, God – not more of Drayton’s bloody holiday snaps!
You can skip this one if you like, because you know all too well what’s coming, but I did promise to say more about Cuba so here goes, with a few illustrations Everybody loves those ancient American cars that sheer …
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