Do you remember GIGO – the acronym used in the world of data, computers and so on for Garbage In, Garbage Out. I have decided that the computer at Lloyds Bank is fed nothing but garbage from morning till night. …
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How to sell a car – or not, as the case may be – plus short-term retail profits
All eyes chez Bird are on Italy’s progress in the football, but we did buy a second-hand car last weekend. I can’t drive anyhow, but She Who Is Far Better Organised Than I Am had a plan, as usual. …
Read MoreYour money and the liars in charge – and a little example of why everything is going wrong: the triumph of drivel
If at some time in the next few years you wonder why you are working like a maniac just to stand still (unless you just throw up your hands and give in) here is a little edited explanation from a clever man: …
Read MoreAh! The gentle swish of creative masturbation. But why should you care?
This piece of half-baked lunacy appeared in a magazine on Sunday. Doctor Johnson suggested, with regard to writing “Read through your composition and whenever you see something that seems to you particularly good, strike it out.” Davbid Ogilvy referred unkindly …
Read MoreAnatomy of a communications failure. What is a SharePoint architect? Why is an English translation necessary?
I got this email this morning. It is an unimpeachable example of total business bollocks. Note the gripping heading. That’ll have them foaming at the mouth for more. SharePoint 2010 Implementation and Upgrade Super-7 I have recently been working extensively with …
Read MoreI love my cleaning lady, who is called Anya. She is Polish. Before her we had Kasia, also Polish. But here is a hilarious message to a cleaning lady who lacked their skills
This was sent to me by Richard Hanrahan in April on Facebook. I only just saw it. That’s because no matter how “social” Facebook fondly thinks it is, I read messages sent me directly every day – not ones sent …
Read MoreThey don’t make them like this any more; a flotilla of freebies; and some eager beavers
My friend Andy Owen sent me this. This man had the car for 82 years, and died at 102. Something to aim for. Andy said “They certainly don’t make them like that any more.” I heartily concur. I had a …
Read MoreI guess you could run a worse ad – but it would be hard
You might think that if there were one kind of advertiser really concerned about not wasting money it would be those involved with money. But if ever I want to marvel at the largest possible quantity of bad, clueless, ugly …
Read MorePushing water uphill:: the Portas delusion; why everything “they” tell you is wrong; and the Gospel of Less
Mark Twain said the principal task of each new administration is to make the last one look good. But that’s enough about Mr. Cameron. Let us turn instead – if we can without laughing – to his shopping “Czar” Mary Portas. …
Read MoreExcuse me, are you taking the ****? Or are you a genius?
She who is a damn sight smarter than me is a great fan of Harvey Nichols, so this postcard came to her yesterday. It made me laugh out loud. The line runs “Try to contain your excitement”. Very clever. I …
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