Medical miracles

As I’m lying sick in bed, I found this very helpful this morning.

At a medical conference, an Israeli doctor boasted, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks’.

A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks’.

A Russian doctor said, ‘In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks’.

The English delegate, not to be outdone, said ‘Hah! We can take two arseholes out of Scotland, put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours’
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About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

7 Comments

  1. That sounds like it could have been a good joke, but alas, we all know it’s actually true.

  2. So sorry you’re sick, Drayton! But smiling over a good joke will help.

    That and kicking canes out from under old people, which my grandfather said gave him smiles galore. I THINK he was kidding…

    Apryl

  3. Maciej Mardyllo

    Be happy that you are not sick in Poland. Our NHS looks like this example:
    You are ill, so you go to GP. If disease needs to be checked by consultant, sometimes you have to wait more than 2-3 months.

  4. Ha ha Maciej! In Britain you may have to wait MUCH longer than that – unless it is really, really serious.

    My partner Al has just had an opeRation on his hip which he paid for privately because on the National Health Service he would have had to wait forever.

  5. Maciej Mardyllo

    As per Monthy Python’s sense of humour – I wonder how long NHS customer is waiting for an autopsy?

  6. Mr. Bird,

    Your blog is killer stuff. Refreshes my day when I see your latest rant. I’m a grumpy old fart too. Thought you might enjoy this – Norman.

    Bad marketing translations

    1. The US Dairy Association’s huge success with their campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”

    2. Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.”

    3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

    4. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”

    5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

    6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.

    7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I Saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa) .

    8. Pepsi’s “Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave” in Chinese.

    9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

    10. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

    11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”

    12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en
    cuero) in Spanish.

    13. When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

    14. Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger- lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

    15. The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

    16. Ford had a problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

    17. In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

    18. Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

  7. Ha ha Maciej! In Britain you may have to wait MUCH longer than that – unless it is really, really serious.

    My partner Al has just had an opeRation on his hip which he paid for privately because on the National Health Service he would have had to wait forever.

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