POLICE TO EXPLAIN WHY THEY STOPPED FOOTBALL FANS FROM KILLING EACH OTHER

With acknowledgements to the Daily Mash – and apologies to any West Ham supporters in our office.

SENIOR police officers have been told to explain why they prevented rival gangs of West Ham and Millwall fans from beating from each other to death last night.

As violence flared at Upton Park, zoologists said riot police had no right to interfere with the natural process of evolution.

Experts have called for new guidelines that will allow football supporters to bang each other’s skulls with baseball bats until the last retard standing finally clubs himself into oblivion.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A full-on riot between West Ham and Millwall fans is a bit like Mother Nature’s pruning shears.

“We do not intervene when a pride of lions takes down an antelope, or when rival baboons fight over who gets the biggest nuts.

“So when two sets of London football fans decide to have a fight, we should simply leave them be, while observing the awesome majesty of Darwin’s genius.”

It is believed the violence flared between the rival supporters after an argument over who would be the first to grow opposable thumbs.

West Ham fan, Wayne Hayes, said: “They was sayin’ that one of ’em already ‘ad fums and could use tools and evryfin’.

“And I was like, ‘you fackin’ bastards, my old dad nearly ‘ad fums once, you callin’ me a cant?’.”

But Millwall fan, Nathan Muir, pointed frantically at a piece of wood, insisting: “Ee-ee! Ee-ee-ah-ah-oo-oo! Eeeeee! Eeeeee! Eeeeeeeee!”

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

1 Comments

  1. Rezbi

    Okay, I can believe the last part of this post as these idiots probably have less brains than a monkey with half it's brain removed.

    However, surely you're joking about the rest?

    Oh, I can also believe scientists talking crap as they're among the stupidest creatures on earth.

    How else do you explain someone insisting something is not true until proven so.

    So, until gravity was 'discovered' it didn't exist?

    Or until it was proven the world is round, it really was flat.

    Maybe we should let scientists and the rest of those morons beat each other to death… just to see if they can.

    Reply

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