I just whizzed off to Capri for the wedding of two Italian friends – about which more later on, as I’m a bit of an expert on the matrimonial front – then I looked at the news this morning and what did I see?…
Well, you couldn’t make it up, could you?
Who was the the chief adviser to the Blustering Toad during his haphazard but nonetheless highly successful demolition of the British Economy? It was a smirking liar called Ed Balls.
And after the said Balls had made his massive contribution to our national debt, future taxes, etc., he was moved on – before he could do any more damage, one assumes – to take control of education.
Once again he quickly showed quite exceptional skill in what corporate and business school wankers would call his core competencies – misrepresentation and poor judgement. It took less than no time for him and his “team” to screw up all the exam results and deny either a) having anything to do with it or b) even knowing anything about it. What was really funny was that they were also paying someone who wasn’t even living in the country shed-loads of cash to oversee things.
To be fair to our Ed, saying he didn’t know what was happening was pretty convincing, since he yields to none in his combination of utter certainty and total ignorance. And he certainly cannot be faulted on the grounds of inconsistency, as his latest, astoundingly stupid wheeze is suggest that the best place to save public money right now is on education.
To say that British education is in a mess is an understatement of such majesty that I am almost but not quite lost for words. So degraded have standards become that the kind of questions I was expected to answer at the age of ten – like “who was Julius Caesar and when did he come to Britain” – are now deemed beyond the reach of university undergraduates.
So shamelessly have the figures been massaged that it is claimed things are getting better. But most of us know full well that education is one of the few areas where if anything more money is called for, not less. No wonder Ed’s latest idea has all the teachers (many of them natural labour supporters, by the way) in a rage and, of course, the Conservatives in a state of orgasmic rapture.
Here’s a way to save money, though. Every quango and consultant should be required within four weeks to prove in a document no more than ten pages long that what they do provides a direct economic benefit that exceeds their cost. And, in areas like education, defence, crime and health two ratios should be keenly scrutinised: the one between administrators and deliverers; and between time spent delivering and the time spent doing other things.
Oh, and Ed Balls should be made to get a proper job. That is to say, nothing to do with lobbying or PR or with any organisation that has had business from any of the departments he has helped to mismanage.
It's good to know our hard-earned money is in good hands. At the risk of reinforcing all our prejudices I feel the need to report a conversation I had on Friday with our landlord.
He was telling me that when he refurbished the offices last year the light fittings he installed cost him £16 a pop. Now I’m no expert in this but they seem fine to me as they illuminate the room when you press the switch.
However, when a department of 100 NHS Administrators (no, I don’t know either) moved in downstairs they said they would pay for much better ones. They wanted the kind that bathe every square inch of the office with something equivalent to natural daylight and should ensure that no bastard can ever sue them for making them go blind. This lighting system must be good because one of their Facilities Experts came in and worked it all out.
Apart from the fact that the daily activity of these people is probably enough to make them all go blind anyway, the new light fittings (about 300 of them) cost, not £16 a pop, but £200.
Still not to worry, they make sure we taxpayers get good use from them by leaving them switched on all night.
I know someone who was paid £125,000 per year to sit on a quango.
The role entailed discussing digital rollout and how to inform people that they won't be able to watch the telly when the change over occurs unless they get a set top box, Sky or Virgin.
In addition to this woman there were another 8 people involved, plus various consultants…
I'd like to be on a quango. Where does one apply? Where are they advertised? Will my local Job Centre Plus have details? One of my old colleagues who was a tax inspector ended up on a quango and they gave him a knighthood!
Glyn
Sadly quangos seem to only employ talentless knob gobblers, so I suppose it's a compliment that you are unable to secure a position!
I'm prepared to be flexible but not that flexible.
Hold on, did you say £125,000 a year?
According to someone; The Times? Wikipedia? 118 118?, we already spend less on education per pupil than any of our competitors (sic) even less than Korea.
Is this why we can't make our own televisions anymore?
Drayton who the fuck would employ a serial looser like Blinky Balls. The fucking arse wipe could not even insert his tongue into or out of someone anus without totally fucking that up.
Anonymous,
we're conducting a survey on Ed Balls' qualities as a human being. Should we put you down as a 'Don't Know'?