Just so you know what a dreadful bunch of low-lifes some of my clients are …

The following glorious piece of bad taste was sent to me by someone we’ve done the odd job for. I really do sometimes wonder where we find them.

A US army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a British soldier in a similar but less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men the platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.

The soldier reported, “I was moving north along this highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low-life scum bag who’d got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying one-eyed porridge wog and Lord Mandelson is a pillow biting old whoopsie.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced dyke. He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Harriet Harman!”

And, there we were shaking hands in the middle of the road when a fucking bus hit the pair of us.”

If you have the same appalling sense of humour as my old client, pay on time, and need better results and good advice without being financially raped in the process, e-mail me at drayton@draytonbird.com. We should get on well.

This seductive invitation is limited by time as I am unbelievably old, and stringently limited by number (just four clients wanted) as I am involved in everything we do and very busy**.

Of course, you may conclude that I’m not too bright, as I mentioned this golden opportunity casually the other day but failed to stick in my email address – but if you go to www.draytonbird.com you’ll find lots of testimonials, many of which I didn’t write myself.

** Busy doing what? Putting the final touches to Commonsense Marketing – but I have this rather old-fashioned idea that I should not just pontificate but work on real stuff every day.

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

1 Comments

  1. Steve Newdell

    I want BOTH the old “too big” copy and the new one of your Common Sense Marketing. Please continue to publish both! sn

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