The Slithey Toad’s inspired new pre-election strategy at work

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day and said, ‘Alastair, I have the answer to Cameron. We’re going to win back Middle England’.

‘Brilliant, PM! What’s the plan?’ said Darling.

‘Well’ said Brown ‘we’ll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap – and a dog, unless we can get Harriet Harman to come. Then we’ll really look the part. We’ll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and show we really enjoy the countryside.

‘Right PM’ said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite hound – a Labrador – at heel, they set off. Eventually they arrive in a quiet little village and find a lovely country pub and go in and up to the bar.

‘Good evening Landlord, two pints of your best ale, from the wood please’ said Brown.

‘Good evening, Prime Minister’ said the landlord, ‘two pints of best it is, coming up’

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet.

Suddenly the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail with his crook, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. ‘Tell me’ said Darling, ‘Why did all those people come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old country custom?

‘Good Lord no,’ said the landlord. ‘Someone told them there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes.’

(Thanks, Noel).

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

8 Comments

  1. Glenmore

    A sweet little chuckle to start the week.

    It fascinates me to watch Brown perform when he 'interacts' with potential voters.

    One can see the programming triggers that rictus grin – at the most inappropriate moments.

    The man really seems totally out of touch.

  2. I'm still stunned neither Brown or Cameron have had the good sense to hire a certain Mr. Bird.

    Or at least approach a certain Mr. Bird to be told (with no doubt numerous expletives), where to stick their accounts…

  3. I wriggle with shame to confess that I worked for the Tories years ago – even spoke at their conference. Then – even more shameful squirms – I did work for Blair. Both parties asked “Are you one of us?” I said, “No. I'm like a lawyer. You pay. I write.” And to Blair's guy, “You're going to win anyhow.” I did find it interesting, though. Can't recall a thing about the Blair job, but I still use the one I did for Major as a case history. Nobody thought he would win – but he did.

  4. As someone that started off in law (and somehow ended up in marketing), I respect both your honesty and ability to write with passion / conviction for both sides. Especially given your well publicised view on most politicians (be they 'emotionally intelligent' or otherwise!)./

    Not surprised you can't remember anything from the Bliar era. Teflon Tony probably had your memory erased. Special powers linked to that inane grin perhaps…?

    And that Major case study is one I would love to see!

    P.S. Maybe the Great Toad could be in with a shout if he gets Bird on the phone. Assuming he can hold on until the election…

  5. Drayton, really!

    You should know that no self-respecting Labrador would be caught dead in the company of the Toad and the Weasel.

    Other than to lift his leg on their wellies, that is.

  6. Well,in for a penny,in for the Pound, is in pretty ropey shape,with the economy, all the devaluations on the Qt,and nothing to choose, between them.
    Cuts going on,on the hush. Alistaire Darkling, throw us a crust. What are we working for?

    Bog standards,stickups,or d.a's? Anybodys guess, with the forecasts as they are.
    As they say, Drayton,Theres money,in muck.
    Just don't look too close…in the laundry.
    It Seems 'they'(oh the DredThem,)are every where,laundering..
    and securing//
    What drives me to distraction is idoitic rules.Like the bank which insists on identity proof, to transfer money from one internal account to another of the same acount holder..im voting for Homer, no not Simpson,Madge.

    Didnt Thatchers Satchers,do away with assylums?
    As to Rictus, markets exhibit that:-
    BoomBoom.

  7. that post i've done, its a bit gobby>
    And so is the learning curve were on,with economics;theres plenty gobbin in speeches,and there'll be lots more in the next few months electioneering.Time to walk the dogs hind leg to the lampost.
    .

    Thanks Drayton.

  8. that post i've done, its a bit gobby>
    And so is the learning curve were on,with economics;theres plenty gobbin in speeches,and there'll be lots more in the next few months electioneering.Time to walk the dogs hind leg to the lampost.
    .

    Thanks Drayton.

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