Where my money goes: dental agony and a little journey into Promiseland

Some spend their money on fine wines. Others go cruising or skiing. Still yet others invest in rare motor cars, paintings and antiques.

But what money I have left after my last divorce (score: Wife 34; Bird 0) tends to flow in the direction of my dentist, the worthy Tariq Idris. My bridges, implants, flying buttresses and so on are a monument to his ingenuity, and that of his predecessor.

So after three hours at his hands yesterday you couldn’t get much sense out of me due to protracted agony. I was cheered up no end though by my new hobby – reading the outrageous claims of those who specialise in putting you in what rogue salesmen I worked with when young called Promiseland.

One heading was “Is this a scam?” followed by ingenious protestations of good faith and the usual cavalcade of testimonials. But the one that got the biscuit contained the following stream of wondrous pr0mises:

Not only is my friend Jeff “Herschy” Schwerdt giving you a Cash Flow Supercharger, he’s handed you the keys to his Viral Submitter software, helping drive traffic to your own Cash Flow Funnel.

Wouldn’t you like all that stuff, friends?

In case you have doubts I shall start shortly be launching my Prehistoric Unsupercharged No-Miracles Get Rich Slow But Sure alternative which works on the old-fashioned basis: you have to do a little work.

Among other things I will be analysing how all these schemes work. There is much to be learnt because they are all based on sound principles, even if their promises are a little high flown.

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

5 Comments

  1. The great benefit of writing copy for financial scams is that by replacing cash with knob throughout you have a ready made scam for use in flogging viagra.

  2. lurafrazey

    Reminds me of a friend of mine who has been saying for years she was going to give up marrying. Next time I meet a man, she says, “Instead of marrying him, I'll just pay off his debts and fix his teeth – then he can leave.” She figured it would give her the exact same effect as her first two marriages but she wouldn't have to hire a divorce lawyer.

    And by the way, is it just me or does “viral submitter” sound like something you get a social disease from?

  3. Drayton,
    based on his name (an unreliable form of stereotyping I would agree) your dentist Mr Tariq Idris would appear to be Pakistani Welsh – a rare and wondrous combination.
    Does he combine his dental skills with a spicy mouth rinse and a pleasing tenor rendition of Qaumī Tarāna? Or does he attack your teeth like a seam of nutty slack?

  4. draytonbird

    He's English from Altrincham. Over the years we seem to have swallowed lots of people with odd names – like Beauchamp and Forte, not to mention Disraeli. But Tariq does have a savage hand with the drill and mouthwash.

  5. good! I’m interested. sn

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