Wank, wank, wank. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make some of this stuff up.

I’m at my wits’ end.

Day after day when I’m not reminding you that I have about three weeks left to live so you’d better sign up for at least three of my Commonsense marketing programmes each I look for follies to poke fun at.

But great tidal waves of drivel keep flooding over me, making me increasingly sure that the future for these islands is vanishing so fast that my prospects are almost irrelevant.

“Does my limp member need a brand identity?” I asked myself, after reading that “The London Sperm Bank (LSB)” – you know total bollocks is not far behind when obscure organisations give themselves initials – “has launched a standalone brand, created by Silk Pearce, designed to recruit more male donors.”

Love the “standalone” – unconscious humour combined with pretentious poppycock.

But let us move on to the next collection of turgid cliche:

“The bank is looking to answer the British Fertility Society’s call for clinics to invest in dedicated recruitment programmes to address a national shortage of donors.

As a result, the Colchester consultancy was tasked with designing a brand identity as well as a dedicated website which raises awareness of the banks role within the wider community.”

Hardly a phrase that has not been lovingly culled from the Oxford University Golden Anthology of Big Business and Local Government Tripe.

The website is dedicated to what? The wider community? As compared to what? Who writes this drivel? Why don’t they know where apostrophes go? Who pays them? Why do I care? What is it about the phrase “brand identity” that so lures the ignorant onto the rocks of fatuity? Why is David Cameron so fucking useless?

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

15 Comments

  1. GuestyGuest

    @DaveKnockles a guest on your bloog today?

  2. Grascakinja

    Maybe they should hook up with the orgasmic illuminator people….

  3. draytonbird

    Nice one, Grascakinja! I see a golden future for you:-)

  4. Steve

    “Why is David Cameron so fucking useless?”

    That's a very interesting question.

    The guy worked in PR, so is, to some extent, a “marketer”.

    Yet look at his marketing. The “look at my big shiny face” billboard campaign. It was a disaster. And it was only ever going to be a distaster.

    That begs the question, who does their marketing? Or their consumer research?

    Researcher: “David, the British people think you're a self-satisfied cunt with no ideas. However, the good news is that they think you're less of a cunt than Gordon Brown. And, given there are no other options, they'll be likely to vote for you if you play down your cuntishness in your election campaign.”

    Cameron: “Thanks for the feedback. I think the best way to do that is to make myself look like a yuppie ponce by slapping on lots of make-up and putting a photo of that on lots of billboards.”

    What a tool.

  5. igmorrison

    Now then Mr. Bird, I just signed up to your wank, wank, wank programme. I can't speak for my colleagues, but I for one can't wait to learn how to improve my techinque (that's the aim of the programme, right?).

    P.S. The best thing about the Cameron poster debacle is the side splittingly hilarious responses the general public (and no doubt a few hangers on from Labour HQ), have submitted to sites such as http://www.mydavidcameron.com

    Oh happy days…

  6. draytonbird

    Is that the bronze “wank” programme or the silver “wank, wank” ior the gold … or the little known but absurdly expensive Lucy in the Sky with Blow Jobs special?

  7. draytonbird

    I must admit you made me chortle there, Steve …

  8. draytonbird

    A comment in the best possible taste from one of my partners who wishes (rightly) to remain anonmymous, the tosser:

    You could be on to something here!
    Sperm banks: a real case for experiential marketing.
    “Our friendly team of nurses will personally collect your deposit…”
    Job done. The bank will be overflowing in days.

  9. trine3

    why is David Cameron,oh that reminds just a minute its coming back an old song “why was he borne at all”, and five year olds every gaffe to be recorded as racist, good job Drayton , you were born when matrons in hospital wielded such power they made feminism look like a soft boiled egg… And talking of sex,fucking deed.As they say in Glasgow fucking deed.

  10. Let us hope that David Cameron isn't a contributor to the LSB.

    Gene Pool crisis! Shock horror.

    And no David, that isn't where one soaks one's denim weekend slacks.

  11. rezbi

    “Why is David Cameron so fucking useless?”

    He just is. Does there have to be a reason?

  12. rezbi

    “…absurdly expensive Lucy in the Sky with Blow Jobs special?”

    Way to go, Drayton, perfect way to advertise your most exclusive and top of the range programme.

  13. Zigo

    I've know the solution for the LSB! They should do collections by return of post. Send the donors a padded envelope and they could all come in a jiffy.
    😉

  14. I am here to say something. I support some of the commenter. But not all. Good impression. Thanks

  15. “total bollocks” is “never far behind” a sperm bank – I love it 🙂

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