News from the department of “Who Would have Guessed It?”

I’ve almost giving up reading most of the papers.

That’s because so much is devoted to things you don’t need to know or know all too depressingly well.

This morning, for example, there was a feature on which female “stars” fancy a bit of lesbian hoo-ha – and every day lately there’s something pointing out that if we stick around trying to sort out Libya we’re going to piss away billions and achieve nothing.

Most of the space gives us non-news – for instance a “shocking new report” that “at least 30,000 British men are digging themselves an early grave” because of obesity, alcohol and drugs.

The piece was headed “British men die ’far too early’”. Maybe we should ask their wives; but any fool with eyes to see would know what’s wrong by wandering down almost any British High Street late in any evening.

We paid for this utterly useless report, by the way – it was commissioned by the European Community. But the best part of the piece came from Alan White, the country’s “first Professor of Men’s Health”, who says “men are not taking care of themselves”.

For this you need a professor? There is some sort of plot afoot to set up the most ludicrous object of study, given to the poser most able to point out things that are blindingly obvious to even the completest moron.

A close competitor to Mr/Professor White, however, must surely be “positive weather solutions forecaster Jonathan Powell”.

It is the coldest summer since 1998 – unless you live in the area between London, Bristol and Manchester, three places where I spend much of my time. In that case it’s the coldest since 1993.

This priceless information, announced today, came as a complete surprise to those who haven’t ventured outdoors since April. “Summer has been somewhat pitiful,” revealed Mr. Powell.

Not much bloody use is he? If that’s a positive weather solution, what’s negative? Icebergs floating down the high street?

And since we’re on the subject of not much bloody use, let us turn to Mr. Cameron.

“That man speaks out of both sides of his mouth at once. Both sides lies” said Truman of Nixon.

He should have seen Cameron.

Having promised to get rid of those money-gobbling Quangos he’s done nothing of the sort. There’s a new one – the Workplace Retirement Income Commission (WRIC) – to review how well people are saving for retirement. As we all know the answer is “very poorly”. And even if they had, the last government stole half of it.

Guess what the WRIC has concluded? “A permanent, independent pensions commission should be established to take the politics out of pensions”. Well, well. One Quango begets another. They breed like bunnies.

I also see the time-serving buggers who run them have been busy lining their pockets, nigh-on doubling their pay. Is there no end to this shit?