How not to write copy – in one interminable paragraph, with a little one tacked on

This indigestible lump of verbal sludge is about par for many “corporates”.

You probably have more important things to do than wonder at the sheer ineptitude of much of the stuff put out by big firms.

I, however, derive a sort of perverse delight in collecting examples of the laughable. There are so many that I never even bother to comment on most. They are like the sewage of literature.

For the most part they serve to enliven my copy seminars. It is my equivalent of Haydn’s practice, when he said “now and then I make a big noise to wake the audience up.”

Most of these misbegotten creations, however, languish in the files of my computer, where I sometimes stumble upon them by chance.

Such is the case with the following. So bad, it really shouldn’t blush unseen.

Here it is, in all its clotted glory.

Our Marketing and Sales services stem from our most inherent belief in entrepreneurial leadership and creative business development techniques. We always begin by looking at the naked firm, as if it were a young and hungry underdog, regardless of its amassed resources and assets, without its years of experience and achievements. We examine the organization through an ACG prism to gain an understanding of its founding principles and try to exploit those in creating a future vision for its marketing efforts. By stripping away the layers of fat and muscle we reveal the firms basic survival instinct that can be harnessed and, if properly guided and promoted with the help of various modern tools, directed at the strongest opponents with sheer resourcefulness and astuteness. Only in such bare form does it become clear how to best structure the sales efforts exploiting the companies existing strengths and assets available to it. The greatest results can only be achieved through simplicity of principle and a solid vision.

XXX Consulting Group brings a rich combination of people and knowledge to provide these kinds of services. We are capable of providing a wide range and depth of resources to address today’s most critical marketing issues. 

Don’t all reply at once, please.

Meanwhile, let us reflect on how much scratching of heads, how many memos and how many tedious meetings gave rise to that. And perhaps consider that someone who – presumably – spoke some kind of variant on normal English must have been paid to write it.

How marvellous to consider that someone else, somewhere may just conceivably have been sleepless enough to fight their way to the end.