May I explain why I – and I bet quite a few others – would like to blow up your head office after chopping your grasping, witless directors into tiny, blood-stained morsels?
I should confess now that the title of this piece is a little tongue-in-cheek, as I am sure managers were abolished years ago.
Yesterday your Fraud Prevention people rang my office about some suspicious transactions in New York. It seems someone had been trying to take money out of my account.
They were right. It was me.
My inability to do so despite presenting a passport and having plenty of dosh in your coffers convinced me that the average panda could run your bank better than the grossly overpaid buffoons who run Lloyds do.
But let me elaborate.
35 years ago I opened an account at your bank. I didn’t choose you for a reason. I assumed you were much the same as other banks – not too bright. You just happened to be convenient.
For a time your bank was my customer, as I introduced you to the joys of direct marketing. You were a hopeless bunch, but I hope to God I gave you better service that you have given me.
Come to think of it, I guess you work for me in another way, as with other taxpayers I helped to bail you out four years ago at the suggestion of that megalomaniac creep Gordon Brown.
For a while during our relationship I was quite rich – what they call a “valued customer” in badly written direct mail.
However your bank has never shown the slightest inclination to appreciate my business or loyalty, but that’s alright – I don’t expect you to be normal human beings. Nor has it shown even the vaguest sign of competence. But things have now reached a stage where I fear we must part.
This is because you are increasingly showing signs of almost unbelievable stupidity, which came to a head with that phone call this morning.
Before going further, I just want to make sure you have a database lying around there.
You do? Good. You haven’t lost it up someone’s arse? You’re sure?
Then if you consult it you will see that for the last 13 years, about five times every year, I have gone to New York. And when I go to New York – this is going to surprise you – I need money.
Where do you go when you need money?
To an ATM, right?
Me too.
Now one thing your database could do if any of the halfwits in charge knew their job it is make a record of what each customer does so you could serve that customer better. It takes seconds. There is probably a program that does it automatically.
This would note that year after year Drayton Bird goes to the same damn banks in the same areas of New York to get money out, and stop you fucking him about.
But they are unemployable.
So just to allow for this, yesterday I took my passport into first one bank, then another, then another.
But not one would honour my debit card.
Do you know how it is in New York when you can’t get money?
As it happens I walk by your big headquarters building in Bristol frequently because it is near where my partner works at an infinitely better run financial services firm.
What the hell are you all doing in there? Giving each other blow-jobs?
Anyhow, I think it’s time to find another bank.
But isn’t it interesting to think that if there really were a manager at your bank, he or she would never let this kind of shit happen?
Hi Drayton,
My better half also banks with Lloyds. And for a while she was sick of their constant anti-fraud calls, too.
A few weeks ago, though, it turned out someone really had been leeching cash from her account.
As soon as Lloyds found out, they refunded the money, blocked the card and sent a new one straight away. No hassle, no fuss.
So don’t be too hard on them. At least they acknowledge you exist, which is more than I can say for my bank.
I had the same problem last week.
Travelling to New York with a baby isn’t easy, so we called a few days in advance and booked a car with a baby seat to collect us from JFK.
48 hours after we made the booking I received an automated ‘fraud-prevention’ call from my bank (Natwest) which lasted about 5 minutes, and during which I had to answer lots of questions about which recent transactions were genuine. They all were.
At the end of the message I was told “you made a payment to XYZ in the USA for $80. We have declined this payment. You should call the seller and make another payment”.
Why the f*ck should I? I’ve got money in the bank. My money. I’ve already called the States once and made the payment. I’ve just told you that the transaction was genuine. Pay the people, FFS.
The automated call disconnected me without the chance to even speak to anyone.
Having been through the automated bullsh*t, I called the telephone banking number. They’re excuse for this shoddy excuse for customer service is that “the service is automated”. Not good enough.
I told them that I was due to travel to New York in 24 hours and I didn’t want to have any problems making payments while I was there.
“We can’t guarantee that – the service is automated”.
What? I’ve just told you, in advance, that I’m going to be in a different country and am likely to be spending money – and there’s no option in your system for you to make a note that I’ll be there?
Blithering f*ckwits, the lot of them.
What pisses me off is that the one time someone did clone my card they went on a massive spending spree. Did the bank block my card then? Not a f*cking chance.
Before you switch to another bank… I wouldn’t recommend Natwest. I suspect the situation now is as bad as it was 35 years ago – they’re all as incompetent as one another.
Drayton – your open letter is blocked by facebook so you will probably receive no posts via that. I have found a way in, though. Do not bother changing to HSBC because they block all my ATM transactions in Mexico and Spain each year. Best to buy a currency card. Or use your credit card and pay the extra.
Oh well. never mind. Marta told me to be less rude!
Well said – Bravo! Unfortunately, your words will in all probability fall upon deaf ears. These banks are too big to be accountable to anyone. I can see your words going from desk to desk, before someone looks around and places it carefully in the round file. That is their interpretation of customer service. I truly believe that the only concern of the employees of our large corporations is; whether their pay check will clear this coming week. They should have let all these megabanks, and in turn mega corporations go under and let the strong, run well banks and corporations survive. Sure we would have taken our lumps and bumps, but that would have been in our past already. Instead, we are faced with the reality of prolonged indifference. Nicely said though – Good luck!
Go get ’em!
These financial scumbags want the world, and they want it for free.
Bribe Congress for a million, create a CDO, make a billion. Sell the trash, make 2 billions, go broke, get bailed out, make 4 billions.
What a racket…
I am only a few years younger than you Drayton, but old enough to remember the pre-computer age when most businesses including banks, were operated by real people, service was infinitely better and cock-ups rare enough to cause excitement.
For years, I had an account identified by my name only, no account number at all.
We know that fraud has increased and stricter controls required, but for a society that put a man on the moon nearly 50 years ago, it seems we have not advanced much since then.
All the big banks are equally useless and out of touch with their customers.
Maybe it’s the result of years of mergers, computerization and obsession with “targets” and “merchant banking”.
I’ve also worked as a contractor inside some of the world’s biggest banks. Horrible environments and horrible people. Never ever again. Not for twice the money.
Hopefully, with the Web, mobile apps and Web 2.0 etc the future of “banking” will no longer be in the hands of these horrible remote, unaccountable – and unreachable institutions (if you ring them up you are routed to someone in India).
Maybe the future of finance will be set by new web-based financial companies who are more responsive to what customers want and how they want to be treated. This guy seems to think so:
http://nextberlin.eu/2011/09/why-banking-will-disappear-but-banks-will-not-well-not-all-of-them/
and an appropriate cartoon:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/cartoon/2011/mar/30/kipper-williams-lloyds
It’s a shame the speaker on banking is so pleased with himself that he takes too long to make his point. I guess compared to most speakers at financial conferences he is a sparkling wit. Nice cartoon and comment about the insane money these people get paid. I see the man who failed at the FSA has got an even better paid job. These muppets are good at getting to the top of big fat organidsations – but not so good at running them.
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