Want to meet the world’s greatest bores? Try Social Media. Only Mr. Pooter compares

You couldn’t make this up. Or could you? Plus how I went broke – again, idiot. And what my folly may reveal about the world’s greatest bore-a-thon.

Since hardly anyone reads books now few people have ever enjoyed Diary of a Nobody by George & Weedon Grossmith.

It is the diary of Mr. Pooter. He is an imaginary  mid-Victorian bore and the book is very funny – but you would go crazy if you spent much time with a real Pooter.

Yet now, through the magic of Twitter, millions do precisely that every day.

Mr. Pooter would have felt quite at home in a world where people think these statements worth making – or reading.

“I’ve just been staring out the window at stuff.”

“This time last week was Christmas Day, really makes you think doesn’t it.”

“Had a nice walk around town, got an E-cig for Monday’s quit day.”

“working and finally making a bit of progress?”

“Here is a photo of some eggs I poached.”

“It really annoys me that my iPhone doesn’t turn on straight away when charging.”

“I downloaded a new app 4 twitter- Not sure how it works yet- obviously…lol”

“Dentist office, :(“

By the way, three of these quotes are phony, made up by my PA, the radiant Kelly. Can you guess which ones?

Here are some more.

‘Trying to eat super healthy, but I’m dieing to eat some chips in bed right now. Thoughts?!”

“I worked out & had a mani-pedi and it’s not even 8am! I need a nap!”

“At Texas Roadhouse… In Texas.”

“Washed socks… lost one sock.”

“The Turkey with bacon is the best one for sure”

“Pritty eyes…;-)”

“Cat has new trousers.”

“Doing a little online shopping this evening… what is everyone else doing? xoxoxo”

“Proud of my wife.”

I confess that I too regularly add to the great Twitter bore-a-thon. But let me tell you why I have been thinking about this for a couple of weeks. You and I may even learn something useful.

It all goes back to 1974 when (for the second time) one of my ramshackle enterprises collapsed in a cloud of debt.

Two things caused this.

First, the pound sterling fell like a stone against the German D-Mark because Harold Wilson’s government was following the course recommended by the current Labour party. (Harold Wilson was  like Tony Blair – full of shit – but not such a liar and much uglier).

As I was importing my product from Germany that currency change killed my margins.

Second, I had run tests in The Sun newspaper which were getting enquiries at less than half what I was paying elsewhere. So I put all my money – including money I didn’t have – into The Sun.

This was a mistake. The Sun converted enquiries into sales far less than half as well as other media.

So one week I was lunching every day at The Portman Hotel and the next I was grovelling to my ad agency and looking round for more freelance writing.

(I will pause here to say this. If you are paying an agency on the basis of clicks or open rates you are mad or you work for a big fat corporate and don’t care. As I learned then there is little relationship between whether people notice something, start to read it or even reply and whether they actually buy, let alone turn into good customers.)

But why did The Sun ruin me?

I think it was because then, as now, it was full of trivial rubbish. Not as trivial as Twitter or Facebook, to be fair. But essentially appealing to the kind of people who move their lips when they read

Is this why it takes a great deal more effort for me to get sales in “social” media than through email? I read research the other day that claims they work 40 times less well.

The context of your message is critical. Direct mail gets infinitely higher responses than advertising because it is hard to ignore something with your name on it.

An email is also a message to you, whereas social media are like the correspondence columns in a newspaper – except most of the correspondents barely qualify as half-wits.

The one thing I have not tried properly is Linked-in. I have suggested this to my loyal staff more than once but they keep ignoring me. Buggers.

By the way, if you are interested in what works, what doesn’t and why, I cannot resist recommending AskDrayton.

People seem love the advice, I love the money – and it costs less than a meal at MacDonalds to give it a try.

Am I kidding about what people think? This came in an hour ago:

I’ve been a member of AskDrayton for a couple of months now, and I think it’s bloody brilliant.  If anyone’s thinking about joining, or teetering on the fence – give it a go. If you’re a copywriter – join. It’s a brilliant source of advice, information and regular belly laughs. There’s decades of distilled experience, vast quantities of common sense and a healthy dollop of wisdom. And if you’re willing to put the effort in and apply all this helpful stuff, it does wonders for your writing and your business. Or it is doing for mine, anyway.

I can’t believe I didn’t pay Vicky Fraser to write that

P.S. Mr. Pooter’s son was called Lupin. That alone makes me smile.

P. P. S. The ones Kelly invented? Cat has new trousers, washed socks, lost one sock – and the one about poached eggs. The girl will go far.