What excites the overpaid bozos running First Great Western? Flatulent puffery. And what would excite us passengers? Seats to sit in and toilets that work

There is not much wrong with the workers in this country that couldn’t be cured by better management.

Earlier this week I had a little bitch because a little goblin dressed as a porter in Bristol didn’t give a monkeys about me missing a train.

It wasn’t entirely his fault. Nobody running things had suggested he be polite to the passengers who in the end pay his wages.

More recently I suggested the ROAR agency’s press releases would be better if the opening sentences were just slightly shorter than a chapter in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.

This provoked a couple of notes from their boss who began by  reminding me what an old has-been I am. God forbid he explains to my clients that cash brought in by aged scribes doesn’t buy as much as the stuff  his bright young people produce.

To be fair, he did have something to boast about, unlike First Great Western whose entire board should be forced to travel on the 3.30 pm from Paddington to Bristol with full bladders.

So here is another example of how not to write a press release.

It is how they told me that, far too late – perhaps inspired by the thought of losing their license to rip us all off – they are investing in improving things.

All press releases that begin with the words “We have exciting news” – or anything of that kind – should be folded into neat wads and rammed up the derrieres of their composers.

And all designers who have type centred and reversed out on a picture like that should go and study what makes for easy reading.

But you know, these are mere peccadilloes if you read to the end, where they furtively reveal the truth. This is not exciting news. It is bloody depressing. Because they admit things are going to get even worse than they are already.

I am amazed by this, because any even vaguely competent PR firm knows that burying bad news like that is a no-no. But maybe the bright young sparks in today’s big PR firms are as ignorant of their job as those in today’s big ad agencies.

My heart goes out to the staff on the trains, a long-suffering bunch who are going to spend even more time making excuses for problems not of their making.

Anyhow, this seems a good time to answer a question that may – however fleetingly – sometimes cross your mind.

“This old fraud Bird seems frightfully good at criticizing other people, but is he any good himself?”

To find the answer to that all you need to do is consult a little portfolio we’ve just put together. Unfortunately for my wilting ego it was produced too early to show the email that quadrupled response for Naked Wines, but there is some good stuff in there.

You may not need any help now, but – who knows? – one morning you might wake up thinking this stuff about content and social media is all very well, but right now we need some sales.

I’ll be here.