Plus a little insight into the tortured early life and struggles of this sad old scribe – and news of a really helpful new book
I was brought up in an old pub with a restaurant.
The photograph was actually taken in one of the rooms on the day my first book was published.
Yes, friends, the smirking young gent in the middle is yours truly before time took its toll – and my hair.
The restaurant was very successful; we were in the first issue of The Good Food Guide, and every year after until my parents – the others in the picture – parted for a while about twenty years later.
I do not recommend that line of work if you want a happy marriage.
Apart from casual and incompetent help in the bar, I made my first money cooking an Austrian dish: veal chop stuffed with cheese, ham and sage.
About 25 years ago this experience came in handy when I did a tour of Britain for my client, American Express.
It was called Catering for Success, and was aimed at helping restaurants with their marketing.
Tried video – it worked
I have always been interested in trying new ideas, so to arouse interest I went to five top restaurants and did video interviews with the owners. People liked them.
Quite a few of those restaurateurs have done quite well since; I think the chef at one spot in Battersea had the rather bizarre name Marco-Pierre White.
Anyhow when I did my little talk I used to start by asking people if they wondered why I was getting paid to talk to them, whilst they were paying to listen.
The reason, I explained, was that “I’m not good enough to do what you do.”
And I was sincere. This is a business where anybody who’s had a few drinks and enough money for a meal thinks they own you. If I’m going to be screwed around I prefer to go for bigger money.
Are you crazy?
All that occurs to me when I see how many ill-informed souls decide they’d like to run a restaurant.
You’ve got to be crazy to get into that business.
There are at least ten restaurants within 5 minutes’ walk from my flat, and naturally I take an interest.
Zio, an Italian, has just gone broke after struggling for three years. The previous owners were very successful. I wager the new people decided they would “improve” on their predecessors’ efforts and ignored what had been working so well.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
At one place near the station three restaurants have opened and closed in the three years we’ve been here. None of them made any attempt to lure customers in. I never saw anyone enter any of them.
If it’s gone broke, don’t copy.
How to lose happy customers
One minute’s walk from me is a place that was delightful, with a little terrace in front where you could sit – as we often did when the sun shone – and have breakfast. People loved it.
Well over a year ago the owner decided to refurbish. He is enclosing the terrace people loved. The builders have been there ever since. God knows how many customers have been lost for good.
If he had asked people what they liked, I bet they would have said the terrace. Find out what your customers love and give it to them – don’t change it because you’ve got bored and want a change.
I don’t know why but people who go into the restaurant game are not just masochists but nitwits.
I may have mentioned that near my partner’s office a place opened where they hoped to sell food and pictures. It’s called Steak of the Art. I have never in four months seen anyone in there. They will go broke as sure as apples.
Puns do not make people hungry.
What is ironic is that before they started someone stopped me and went through a questionnaire to see if I thought it was a good idea.
I wrote about our conversation here.
I took the trouble to tell the interviewer why it was not a good idea, why what people tell you in research is no guide to what they will do – and that I know a bit about marketing and restaurants.
These follies make me immensely sad. I have gone broke a couple of times. It is a ghastly, debilitating experience. I feel for these people.
A helpful new book
I have no idea why people have this dream of opening a restaurant. I have even less idea why they all think customers will come in just by magic.
But there is a new book which in one page – the very first – gives the best advice I have ever seen on this subject.
It is called 101 Restaurant Secrets, and is by Ross Boardman. You can get it on Amazon.
Ross has the advantage that he has been in the marketing business and the restaurant business.
I would love to tell you that I have helped Ross, but I haven’t, though he is one of my www.EADIM.com delegates
His book is full of very simple, practical, essential advice about important but dull things like costing and profit margins. I have never come across anything like it on this subject.
Not one of the restaurants I just talked about do any real marketing. That really is so stupid. They think punters will come in through some mysterious process of osmosis.
I have not mentioned one place near me that does really well. It is the River Cottage Canteen. It has all the benefits of a TV show going for it. It is not that good, but you cannot beat PR like that for results.
Even the simplest things help. Near my office – if you can call it that – is a very ordinary Spanish Tapas place. If the weather is OK they always have a big pan of paella simmering away outside.
One good demonstration beats a ton of bullshit.
Your mom was a hotty Mr B! You don’t perhaps have a single sister looking for a young boyfriend?
Three years before that picture was taken she came second in a Glamorous Grandmother contest. She would never have entered; my wife at that time – whom I am actually visiting later today as she is not very well – entered her without her knowing it. She was so shy she scampered on and off the stage so fast that a film star who was one of the judges said “You would have won if we’d had time to actually see you properly” Then he took her out to dinner. I have no sisters, Jansie:-).
When I go back home – Bangladesh – which is not often, I like to go to the restaurants.
Well, actually I have no choice but to go. Here’s why…
They cook outside, almost.
At the front of the restaurant there’s usually an alcove. Actually on either side of the door.
On one side they prepare the meals and on the other they cook it.
So, as you’re walking about the market and get hungry, guess what hits your nose as you’re walking past. Or rather, trying to walk past.
Those places are always full. And the food is delicious.
Rezbi,
I too don’t get how people miss out on this great marketing tool. Just the smell of good food is enough to get me changing direction on the pavement. The smell, the sight of fresh cooking, all wonderful. James Hammond does some great work that put all five senses into play for brands.
Anywhere that pumps out those fake smells into the street also know a thing or two about attracting attention. Walked past the M&M centre in London the other day. You can smell chocolate down the side of the building. Certainly got my attention.
Ross