| >> Garbage. But how do you get rid of it? That’s a pretty sweeping damnation, isn’t it? But just look at the rubbish you get and you see that I’m not exaggerating. However it’s all very well for me to fulminate – but not as good as giving you examples, saying what’s wrong and suggesting remedies. So let’s take two emails that darkened my laptop while I was drafting this. The first email… |
| It’s selling something that makes complete sense. Reviews and testimonials will get you more business, but they’ve offered it in the most boring way possible with stupid, avoidable errors. The first is that they get the name of my business wrong – Drayton Enterprises. That is incompetence of a rare order. The question mark in the subject line shows they are illiterate, which hardly inspires confidence, does it? Is it a warm and friendly message? No: it’s a series of diagrams. Do you like diagrams? Do you want a relationship with a bloody diagram? Would you flirt with one? Wouldn’t you prefer a human being? The copy is brief, cryptic and uses stupid phrases like “Get interactions now!” Or incomprehensible ones like “a digital-first approach to CX”. Do you yearn to have an interaction? Have you any idea what CX is? Or would you like help from friendly, knowledgeable people who get your name right? Even if they were like that, they don’t even tell me intelligently what the hell they want me to do. Yes: here is another schoolboy error. They want me to do any one or maybe all of three things. That is the classic way to confuse and get nothing. And their slogan is abysmal – Be found. Be chosen. Be the best business. Sweet Jesus! The next one I spotted is from a firm called Payguard. And to say that it is boring is an understatement. The heading immediately tries to put me to sleep: Case Studies & Testimonials. Is that what you want for breakfast? Then the heading is repeated. Have a look at the rest: |
| This is what Ogilvy called flatulent puffery. There are 9 references to themselves, and 3 “you” or “yours”.No cliché is left unturned, despite the copy being incredibly short. They have something good to sell, and by God do they fail to sell it. You may have reached this stage and be thinking “My God that man Drayton can moan.” So let’s take an example of a business that are hugely successful and they live or die on whether people read their mailings. It’s from one of my absolute favourite sources of chortles – The Daily Mash. Here are the headings they sent me. Compare them with the previous two. – Five things the middle-classes are terrified they’ll be arrested for – I didn’t realise slamming a civil servant’s nuts in a drawer was considered ‘bullying’, says Priti Patel – Couple mistakenly enlarge terrifying photo of newborn onto giant canvas – Diana twats the Queen with a corgi: how accurate is The Crown? – What to say you’re thinking when your partner asks ‘What are you thinking?’ – Five manly coffee orders to prove that you’re well hard – Couple mistakenly enlarge terrifying photo of newborn onto giant canvas For goodness sake, do try to avoid boring people to tears. Make them smile, make them think, make them thankful. And make them buy. How? Well, you’ll discover that for $1 at AskDrayton. Best, Drayton P.S. Know anyone who’d appreciate my Bird Droppings? Tell them to sign up to my mailing list here. |
