How not to get a reply to your email: a short lesson

How this “research” request breaks important rules – plus a little free copy advice

My colleague Gerald has persuaded me to help mentor people. Below is a taste of the sort of comments I make.

I am infinitely more polite to people who pay, but you can judge whether I am helpful or not.

I am commenting on one of those emails whose writer pretends they want your opinion on something whilst actually hoping to sell you their services.

Knowing what to avoid is as useful as knowing what to do. And besides being a bit of a dab hand at copy I once helped launch a research firm, so you may find what follows interesting.

The message was headed Some quick questions for you.

That subject line has been used about 3 zillion times – because it can work.

It would work better if it read 3 quick questions for you. That suggests there is very little work involved. Always be precise if you can. A man in New Zealand said he increased sales by half by doing so at my suggestion.

But of course whether the heading does its job is irrelevant if what follows is garbage.

Here’s the copy.  I have changed the name of the sender to protect the guilty party; and I see worse attempts every day.

What do you think? Will this work?

Good Evening,

I’m re-inventing my web presence company and would like to get feedback from real people like you so I know exactly how to make people excited and beyond satisfied with what I provide.

I am grateful for your valuable time and will ask only three quick questions. Your answers are greatly appreciated.

1. What is the most important feature, service, or trait for you when looking for a company to build your web presence?

2. What do you feel is a reasonable fee for building your web presence, and what would you expect to be included for that fee?

3. What have you been unhappy about in the past with your web presence company?

Thank you,

Erasmus Q Scrooge,  CEO, The Scrooge Company

Let’s take this a bit at a time, because other than Good evening it is almost all bad.

The second paragraph deserves a prize. It gets eight things wrong in just 33 words.

I’m re-inventing my web presence company and would like to get feedback from real people like you so I know exactly how to make people excited and beyond satisfied with what I provide.

1. This sentence is too long for easy reading. Research shows people find anything more than 32 words hard work. The easiest sentence to take in is 8 words long. Aim for an average length of 16 words. Probably less because email is a very casual medium,  people get lots of them, and they don’t concentrate.
2. The repetition of the word “people” is ugly and confusing.
3. Why should I care what you’re doing? Why should I want to help? I don’t know you. And I’ve got my own problems.
4. Please spare me that boring cliché “re-inventing”
5. What is a “web presence company”? Meaningless jargon. What do you do? And what can you do for me?
6. feedback, More jargon
7. real people like you – as opposed to what? Elephants?
8. so I know exactly how to make people excited and beyond satisfied with what I provide – please spare me this over-kill.
9. If this sentence is a good idea – which depends on what follows – it should read: Can you please tell me what you think so I can do a better job for firms like yours.

I have no complaints about the next paragraph.

But then come two more that kill the whole idea, and one that is unlikely to work.

1. They kill it because, forgetting the bad prose, if you want lots of replies NEVER ask open-ended questions. People have to think. It is hard work.
2. Give them options to choose from. You must do the work for them – not the other way round. They are busy with their own problems.
3. The second paragraph manages to break another rule. It bundles two questions – both demanding thought – into one sentence. If you ask people to do two things at once they end up doing neither, not that anyone would bother with either of  these.
4. I cannot answer the questions even if I want to because, as I said, I have no idea exactly what a Web Presence Company does. Build websites? Landing pages? Get me more visitors? Send out emails? Do SEO? Who knows? Who cares?

The third numbered paragraph – What have you been unhappy about – will only work if a) I am pissed off with my current “Web Presence Company” and b) I know what that means.

It gives me an opportunity to gripe, and the writer the chance to say “we’re not like that, why now talk to us?” – but who can be bothered?

Finally, the one thing that might persuade me to respond – an incentive – is missing.

Let me tell you why such guff goes out in shoals. It’s because people don’t think it’s worth paying someone professional. They think any fool can write an email, with the result that many thousands – millions actually – do, every day.

But even if you have to write your own copy, we are not talking algebraic calculus here. Anyone literate and intelligent can write competent stuff.

Unfortunately many think that “literate and intelligent” means using long words. Here is the first sentence of an email a publisher sent me today:

All innovative, client-centric and competitive organisations consider social media a vital part of core business strategy.

This walks away with the How Much Irritating Business Jargon Can I Cram Into One Sentence Prize For 2013.

By coincidence that publisher commissioned and published a ludicrously overpriced book from me about direct marketing for lawyers a while back. If their promotions incorporated sentences like that, no wonder it didn’t sell. I should have known it would all end badly. The woman I was dealing with kept on wanting to have meetings.

But what happened is a shame, because the only lawyer I know who has actually read the damn book tells me it was immensely valuable.

The purpose of copy is to sell good stuff so people can do better and live better. So why not get the right words in the right order?

But why bother about it now? You have many things on your plate.

Well, I am not a gloomy soul, but I think things are going to get a lot worse before they really get better.

Over here Mr. Osborne has had the brilliant idea of stoking up another housing bubble. That means another crash. In the U.S. they are still busy printing money. China looks dodgy. The banks are still uncontrollable. The stock market’s rise is founded on nothing more than irrational optimism.

Good copy cost no more than bad copy. Off-hand I can think of few better investments. Can you?

I am now about to break one of the rules I listed by suggesting two things you might consider.

1. If you’d like the idea of being mentored, email gerald@draytonbird.com. We have three places left. One man we have helped simply said:

That was brilliant.  Thank you.  Worth every penny.

Since he has a business that deals in £billions that cheered me up.

2. If you just think you’d like to write – or get other people to write – better copy,  take a look at this.

Otherwise, I just hope you found what you just read of help.