The celebrated military expert Bob “bollocks” Arseworth makes a prediction

One cannot actually guarantee that every single member of the current cabinet will be utterly useless, dishonest and cretinous, but the selection policy certainly helps.

Mr. Bob Arseworth, currently defence secretary, has been almost permanently in office since the Bliar arrived in 1997, despite the fact that he has never shown the slightest sign of competence at anything except malice in his life.

The only things one can find of any interest in his record are:

1. He was almost, but not quite, a member of the International Marxist Group – didn’t even have the guts.

2. He was a shop steward at Jaguar in the 1970s, the period when he and his pals destroyed what was left of the UK motor industry with the help of its managers.

In his latest role, with uncanny prescience, he announced today that “more troops will die in Afghanistan”.

There is good reason to believe he doesn’t give a shit, though.

The chief reason why more troops will die – chiefly from roadside bombs – is because Toad the Obscene wouldn’t pay for equipment to be upgraded.

However, not long ago when someone in Parliament pointed out this truth, Bob the Repugnant shouted out “Bollocks”.

So we know where his heart is. Up his arse, next to his brains.

Dare we hope he’ll visit to Helmand soon – and benefit from some judicious friendly fire? Or perhaps take a solo joy-ride in a not quite adequately armoured vehicle to see what happens to his bollocks?

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

2 Comments

  1. Simon M

    Arseworth is a disgrace as are all the other scum who are responsible for sending young people to be killed without even providing the most basic protection.

    And please, please tell me, why the eff are we in these countries in the first place?

  2. Twat of the first order. I heard Colonel Tim Collins give a speech once about effective leadership. (Having killed people helps – makes you take people like Col Collins seriously when you talk to them.) He boils it down to a having “a man and a plan” – the right leader, team, ethos and a clear mission – to get the job done. We have neither the man nor the plan. I watched Ainsworthless give the speech at the RIIA and the text was like one of your case studies in bollocks DM. As for a definable objective, any kind of sign we'd have succeeded and come home – nada.

    (Although I agree with Simon: WTF are we doing on long-term engagement in a part of the world the Brits should know better than anyone is a no-win zone for outsiders?)

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