Today I received – not for the first time – a message from “Continental Who’s Who”.
It was a bit like the one I keep getting from someone who tells me I can belong to something vaguely, but not really, associated with Princeton University.
It read:
Drayton, Welcome to our Inner Circle.
Inclusion in our prestigious organisation is a career milestone only available to those who have demonstrated exceptional professional knowledge, expertise and client service – and I think you quintessentially meet those standards.
Our forum enables you to be reached by thousands of professionals and your peers with the purpose of doing business with you. Simply put – Members are friends you haven’t met yet.
I want to thank you for helping us to create a stronger platform.
Much Continued Success,
George Malone
Executive Director
What total jargon-crammed bollocks – rather like a society for the mutual masturbation of wannabes. Mr. Malone (though it isn’t his real name, is it?) should be sentenced to a lifetime of dreary English lessons. But plenty will sign up, won’t they?
It’s hard to beat anything that combines flattery – no matter how insincere – with the shrewd exploitation of our abiding insecurity.
But what really depresses me is that I regularly have to deal with educationally deprived executives who actually talk shit like that – but don’t know it’s shit.
These are worrying times.
I am told by informed sources that Malone's brilliant email shots get hundreds of bites. Apparently there are discerning folk who would gladly send him cash in return for instant fame.
Quite so. Many born every minute.
“those who have demonstrated exceptional professional knowledge, expertise and client service – and I think you quintessentially meet those standards.”
What total and utter tripe. I've received this email before and, if the above were true, why would they be contacting me. (That's a statement, not a question).
Frankly, in the words of Grouch Marx, I don't want to be a part of any club that would have me.
Or words that affect.
C.S. Lewis had a brilliant short piece on the perils of falling for this sort of appeal to vanity. (I think it was in either The Great Divorce or The Four Loves.) You always discover yet another Inner Circle inside the first one, and on, and on. Worse than an onion.
I think it was actually W.C. Fields who said he wouldn't want to be part of a club that would have him (but I could be mistaken – I have been before).
And on the subject of talking shit: is it just coincidence that my uncle sent me this very a propos joke only yesterday?
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
….I want to thank you for helping us to create a stronger platform.
……………
I'm in awe of your many talents. I didn't realise though that these included carpentery.
Amongst my many failings is my inability to lift a hammer, wield a saw or use a screwdriver with any profiency.
So, could I ask what your current rates are to fix a small platform to enable me to waddle into my bath?
Pip, pip old man.
GTH
I want this product so badly that I am willing to forego my American citizenship, then apply for British citizenship, just so I can have this wonderful product guiding my every step in life. What marketing!