At last, the amazing Ryan Wallman – Melbourne’s Mystery Marketing Wizard – reveals 5 startling ways big data will change your life
- With big data, you no longer need to make decisions. By the time you’ve sorted through all that data, the opportunity to do anything useful with it will be long gone.
- You will adore all the advertising you see. No more of that untargeted, relatively unobtrusive crap. Thanks to big data, you’ll get ads that know you intimately, follow you around obsessively, and invade your space at every opportunity like a mob of unhinged online stalkers. Who doesn’t want that?
- You can put creatives in their place. Whenever they present you with a creative idea, shut it down immediately by simply saying ‘Explain to me how this is big-data-driven’. Numbers are like kryptonite to those hippies.
- Big data allows you to do whatever the hell you want. Let’s say you collect some data that doesn’t support your argument. No problem; just go get some more data that does. The beauty of big data is not the data – it’s the bigness.
- You now have an immediate answer for any business question. Someone asks what your strategy is? Big data. A client asks how you’re going to increase their sales? Big data. Some idiot wants to know what the fuck big data is exactly? It’s big data. Idiot.