Twenty years or more ago, David Ogilvy sent me the draft of a speech he was planning to make in France.
It contained more or less the following.
“Our world is divided into two warring camps. Those who have no idea what their efforts produce. And those who know to penny. Those who measure. And those who do not.”
I have long believed there are two other warring camps. Those who write down-to-earth English that can be understood; and those who write business gobbledygook.
Those who get on with things because they realise they have to get results – or else. And those who think more about whether the corporate guidelines are being followed.
Real people – and the rest.
One reason the Financial Services Authority failed dismally to do its job is that they were all so busy fucking around with people’s copy to ensure “compliance” – and still are – to notice that the financial world was infested with unqualified crooks.
This unseemly outburst is prompted by the way the serene calm of my morning toilette was shattered when I saw a message selling a CRM seminar that contained the following:
Envision a sustainable CRM solution specially tailored to the unique needs of your company. A technology that is not afraid of growth and change. A solution intuitively capable of delivering efficiency and sales optimization in order to bring your business to the next level. At Intelestream, we believe in the simple truth that technology will seamlessly increase effectiveness and performance when properly implemented and administered. We believe your CRM solution should work for you.
Intelestream Inc. is a Chicago based consulting firm that delivers solutions to clients seeking enhanced sales, marketing, and customer support related business processes. The company specializes in enterprise resource planning (ERP), and all customer relationship management (CRM) related workflows. Intelestream’s development team builds custom tailored solutions for organizations, industry verticals, and plugins for open source software applications. The company’s team of consultants deliver an unparalleled quality of service and support. Intelestream’s leaders previously held executive positions at Fortune 500 companies, founded successful technology firms as entrepreneurs, and have expertise developing strategic customer focused business processes. If your company is evaluating a new enterprise application, looking to replace an expensive legacy system with a more affordable enhanced solution, or considering developing a new web based internal application, contact Intelestream.
Would you buy anything from a firm that talks such pretentious tripe? Can you imagine anyone not off their rocker “envisioning” a sustainable CRM solution?
Unfortunately plenty of people do fall for this stuff. They think if they can’t understand it, it must be clever. They think that some magic bullet will solve their problems, removing the need for hard graft. And they deserve whatever they get.
In the case of CRM the only figures I have seen – from Gartner – show what they get is, on average, bad results, chiefly for three reasons.
1. Many buy CRM programmes – but never use them, train people properly or explain to everyone why they matter.
2. To build a customer relationship you must care about customers. Most people in large firms care more about promotion. As Jack Welch put it, people have “their heads facing the chairman and their asses facing the customers”. That is why so many arseholes end up running big firms.
3. No computer programme can think. It will never be able to write words that charm customers and make them believe they are valued; and if you think starting with the deadly phrase “As a valued customer” will do the trick, believe me: it won’t.
Having got that off my chest, my heart goes out to those of you trapped unwillingly in the great corporate quagmire. Fight back! Instead of doodling in meetings, think of ways to start your own thing. Stick subversive messages on the notice boards. Take the piss. Cause trouble.
By the way, I see this witless government is planning to track and record everyone coming in and out of the country. If they do this in their usual manner, the information will be automatically forwarded to every burglar in the country.
Great find for a Monday Drayton.
I’m always impressed that people have worked for a Fortune 500 company as they are such paragons of virtue. Look at Enron, AIG, Lehman Brothers…
Honestly, what kind of brain dead idiot would buy such shite?!
This totalitarian government already runs a country with more surveillance cameras per head than anywhere else in the world. Your local council has the right to intercept your emails and access your web browser. One council which shall remain nameless, alledgedly scans the emails of its opposition councillors and party members.
Now the Stalinist toad in Downing Street proposes that every telephone conversation (mobile and landline) will be recorded as will every inbound and outbound email.
This will of course mean that another raft of thousands of index linked shits will be employed to inefficiently sift through millions of communications. GCHQ systems are already programmed to instantly intercept and record any email or phone call that contains a number of keywords, like shoot, bomb, attack, Al What’s his Name and so on.
I suggest that every email you send should contain at least one of these keywords in the suject line. That should keep them busy.
“One reason the Financial Services Authority failed dismally to do its job is that they were all so busy fucking around with people’s copy to ensure “compliance” – and still are – to notice that the financial world was infested with unqualified crooks.”
Amen.
I once had some copy rejected by my client’s compliance team because they felt it would make the prospect “hopeful”.
I asked the client “what the hell do they think the copy is meant to do? That’s its job – make people hopeful enough to pick up the phone and call you.”
Steve
It’s like you’re on a miisson to save me time and money!
Today I read an alarming article in the Spectator. The newly nationalised banks are now subjecting their clients to political vetting!
Among the standard questions now being asked by RBS is, ‘Do you have any political affiliations? Do you know any MPs, councillors or mayors?’
Their explanation for asking these questions was that ‘political influences may be used for corrupt purposes’
If you do not answer the questions or if you happen not to be a supporter of Labour Party, would this affect your chances of obtaining credit? What do you think?
I was fuming when you wrote “No computer programmers can think”. But as it turns out, no computer programmers can read.
There is simply too much bad copy around that people are actually mimicking them thinking that’s the way to get sales.
I write no computer programmes, not programmers, by the way.
The error was mine. Indeed, you did.
I have to admit, I’ve struggled in the past to write stiff corporate copy like that when I know it’s for the benefit of the client rather than the customer.
When you’re choosing words because they sound impressive, rather than to actually communicate a benefit, you’re lost many readers already.