No wonder Tesco are worried… or, time to leave the country before they switch the lights out

In case you didn’t notice, the other day the boss of Tesco let out a yowl of dismay about the dire state of education here. When a supermarket can’t find people smart enough to arrange the fruit and veg, God knows we’re in shit.

Just to remind you, among our fond memories of the Great Bliar’s “Britain-in-Debris-Before-I- Slope-Off-Leaving-Maniac McToad-To-Arrange-The-Funeral” Programme is that he was committed to “education, education, education” – not, as it turned out, “fuck up, piss off, cash in”.

So here is an instructive selection of magic moments from British Quiz programmes to remind us how well he fulfilled his promise.

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct And if you’re not weak, you’re…?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question.. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark : For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi’s first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?

Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)

Phil: What’s 11 squared?

Contestant: I don’t know.

Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY (AGAIN)

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. .. ..

Richard: He makes bread . .

Contestant: Er . ….

Richard: He makes cakes . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world’s largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O’BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth … Er, er …. Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er …… Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM’S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. … ..

Phil Wood: It’s got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. .

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That’s close enough.

(Sounds like BRMB operates on the same basis as the national curriculum, folks)

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

By the way everyone, the headline in yesterday evening’s copy of London Lite, a free newspaper, was all about the fact that Louis Walsh was not going to appear as a judge in The X Factor because Stephen Gately, a singer, has died and Louis is too upset to appear.

Now there’s a paper that knows the intellectual level of most of its readers.

About the Author

In 2003, the Chartered Institute of Marketing named Drayton one of 50 living individuals who have shaped today’s marketing.

He has worked in 55 countries with many of the world’s greatest brands. These include American Express, Audi, Bentley, British Airways, Cisco, Columbia Business School, Deutsche Post, Ford, IBM, McKinsey, Mercedes, Microsoft, Nestle, Philips, Procter & Gamble, Toyota, Unilever, Visa and Volkswagen.

Drayton has helped sell everything from Airbus planes to Peppa Pig. His book, Commonsense Direct and Digital Marketing, out in 17 languages, has been the UK’s best seller on the subject every year since 1982. He has also run his own businesses in the U.K., Portugal and Malaysia.

He was a main board member of the Ogilvy Group, a founding member of the Superbrands Organisation, one of the first eight Honorary Fellows of the Institute of Direct Marketing and one of the first three people named to the Hall of Fame of the Direct Marketing Association of India. He has also been given Lifetime Achievement Awards by the Caples Organisation in New York and Early To Rise in Florida.

5 Comments

  1. James Walker

    My god Drayton don't know where you amassed that stuff but I bloody cried.

    Some absolute sublime crackers there – don't know whether you should moonlight as a stand-up…!

    Should have advised readers to get a tissue first.

  2. I don't watch much TV but… were those real examples?

    I'm finding it really difficult to believe the standards have dropped that low.

    Maybe they should try recruiting contestants from the zoo — they'd probably do better.

  3. Oh, my God. Really makes you want to pack up and go home, doesn't it?

    What's an O level worth these days, anyway? About three bean farts, apparently.

    But it's similar on this side of the water :

    QuizMaster: Name a country in Central America.

    Contestant: Oklahoma?

    QuizMaster: In which war was the first atomic bomb detonated?

    Contestant: The Civil War?

    Thank you very much, Mr. John Dewey.

  4. James Walker

    Rezbi old fruit! – yes it does reveal that people stop learning quite early on – if they ever started that is, after the age of 15 thinking 'well thats my lot'.

    They are not motivated in any way by their parents nor do they feel they need to have any more knowledge that they do already, which for some is almost negligible.

    Its sad yes but the answer were still hillarious you have to admit?

  5. Goosey Ghandi – priceless

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