Every day we are all subjected to small irritations … like my bloody Ask Drayton site which would have me tearing my hair out if I had any left.
They don’t really matter that much. They’re just needless and a waste.
Like the dreary email I got today from the semi-literate person who is, when not making tea, amazingly paid to write the messages that sell railway tickets,
It read:
Dear Mr Bird, go further with your Senior Railcard.
Get into the festive spirit this year with a trip to one of many Christmas markets using your Railcard. As well as finding some unique presents, you’ll be able to listen to carols, roast some chestnuts and sample some delicious mulled wine.
Alternatively take a winter walk and discover some of our beautiful countryside.
With the 1/3 of all Standard and First Class rail fares – including Advance fares, you can afford to treat yourself this Christmas.
I appreciate this is one of the bi-products of the great Bliar’s commitment to “education, education, education”. It didn’t make me throw up – just cast a pall on my life for a few seconds, just as every sight of words like ” iconic”, “robust”, “holistic”,” strategic” and “vision” do.
And goodness knows it’s not a big deal compared with the misery we’ll all face in the years ahead because of the despicable reptiles who run the banks and our lives – but if you’re going to do a job, why not do it properly?
I have found that rewriting little messages like that can actually double sales … thus, in the end, getting more out of the money spent on marketing … and, I suppose, keeping those fares down.
These are small things, rather like cleaning toilets, that nobody thinks about, do they?
But they matter. Because if you get the small things right, you may just – barely – have a chance of sorting out the big ones.
Best,
Drayton
Want to do better? Go to askdrayton.com
Expand – what was so bad about that email? Didn't look too bad to me.
If any writer presented that to me I would shoot them.
The whole thing is little more than a string of clichés, starting with “go further” carrying on with “Get into the festive spirit” stopping off at “unique presents” and “sample some delicious” not forgetting “our beautiful countryside” and “treat yourself”.
All that was missing was “exciting” and “fabulous”.
Ha ha I'd be dead already if you were my boss!
Thanks for the tip
Drayton
I think you've missed a trick here.
There should be a competion to see who can better this with you as the judge.
I'd start with:
“Drayton
You poor old sod, there's more summers behnd you than ahead. The Government have fucked the country, but at least British Rail is the same. So come and join us on an overcrowed train for 1/3 of the price that the pretty young things pay.
If you're lucky you might even get a seat next to a crying baby.”
I am also curious as to why you despise the words 'vision' and 'strategic'. Too cliche?
Good question, Susan.
1. People talk about the TINIEST, most trivial things as being “strategic”. Strategy is – or should be – about big things.
2. They use the word vision, again, about trivia. No sense of proportion.
Sad.
I think you've been a bit harsh this time with destroying that train ticket e-mail message.
I don't think that e-mail is too bad at all. I think it's a fantastic start.
1. It's targeted and specific to a segment of their customers ie. Seniors.
2. It makes them a good offer of 1/3rd off ticket prices. This may be a new offer or it may be something that pensioners are already entitled to but the seller is using this e-mail to remind them. Either way, it comes across as a good deal and something new.
3. It uses some great words and imagery to evoke emotion and describe the experience these pensioners will have by taking such a trip.
Festive spirit, finding unique presents, christmas carols, roasting chestnuts, sampling delicious mulled wine, winter walks in the Beautiful British countryside. What's wrong with these??? Sounds like the start of a great traditional British christmas to me.
What would I change:-
I would take this e-mail and turn it into a series of daily e-mails (like a mini-newsletter) with a link to an interactive blog that allows blog reader comments and questions (and get someone to answer them) and start a social community online.
Each daily e-mail/blog post would showcase an actual destination that is easily accessible by train and preferably close to the train station, what they can do there, when, what the experience will be like etc then back this up with cheery wintery video footage of that location (try Youtube or video stock footage sites).
Also allow your users to vote on which location they liked best and which they would like more information on.
The thing about Social media/communities online is that they’re not for selling, they’re for listening. Your customers will tell you exactly what they want to buy if you only listen. Then just give it to them.
Then I’d put together a free “Pensioners Fantastic Christmas by train schedule pack” with each of the most voted favourite destinations on it for different days leading up to xmas and the more you do, the more you save. Against each one would be a tick box and a number of points awarded.
If you reach 100 points, you send in your form and get a free christmas present and a free trip for 2 “on us”
Also, as the train ticket operator, I would then phone the locations and get an exclusive group discount deal for my pensioners for that day and add this to the schedule pack passing on ALL the savings to my customers.
In addition to the e-mails and blog/communities, I’d then find other distribution channels that give me higher leverage to promote the offer such as the Women’s Institute, Rotary Clubs, Old peoples homes, other communities where pensioners hang out.
Finally, I’d set up a new series of e-mails which are virtually the same, but this time I would not target the pensioners directly as many of them do not have e-mail or the internet. I would target their children (Who would be in their late 20’s to 40’s).
The e-mails series would start with:
What on Earth Should We do with Mum and Dad this Xmas? Here’s your Top 10 Most Voted for “Fantastic Xmas for Pensioners Ideas”
Cheers
Matt.
PS. Come on Drayton, time you started feeling the christmas spirit.
You are right, Matt, that targeting makes more difference than copy, and your ideas are good. But the copy is DULL, DULL, DULL. I have a hangover today, from lunch with my hardest drinking client. But even in the most genial of spirits I would hate that copy. I rewrote something as bad as that last year for a bank; it got a 72% uplift from a list they'd already e-mailed.
Agreed about the perspective thing: Napoleon and Eisenhower were strategists, and visions can safely be left to St. Paul and Joan of Arc.
I could add about a hundred others to your list. My particular anti-favourites are “appropriate” and “inappropriate” as synonyms for “right” and “wrong”.
Agreed about the perspective thing: Napoleon and Eisenhower were strategists, and visions can safely be left to St. Paul and Joan of Arc.
I could add about a hundred others to your list. My particular anti-favourites are “appropriate” and “inappropriate” as synonyms for “right” and “wrong”.