The art of drivel lives on at the Royal Mail …

… But I really appreciated the champagne.

Sorry, chaps. Organising a great piss-up to celebrate coming up with a not-new name, plus the odd blinding glimpse of the obvious won’t kill TNT

Scented inks for direct mail were introduced about 40 years ago. I recall a hilarious story about the impact of a big mailing using it which was left in a New York postal warehouse during a hot summer weekend.

It seems this and sundry other old wheezes have just been discovered by the Royal Mail.

They launched a new thing called MarketReach last week at a big thrash at the Victoria & Albert Museum. Well, not really new because there is already a firm called MarketReach. Might a little due diligence have helped?

Now click below for more on the Royal Mail …

There were five speeches and buckets of excellent champagne. The only sensible speech was by the new Royal Mail boss who said we should just enjoy ourselves. She also said they have now stopped losing money. I wouldn’t bet on that for long at current postal rates.

Before and after her someone else important at the Royal Mail delivered a string of dull clichés.

Then the famous arbiter of taste Stephen Bayley stood up and made the worst speech I can recall from anyone of any repute.

It had neither form nor structure nor point. More cruelly, rather than the ten or twelve minutes he twice promised, it lasted for a very long half hour. It had absolutely nothing to do with direct mail or anything else, really, but he has nice greying hair.

After that someone else did an embarrassingly bad imitation of the sort of speech Rory Sutherland does so brilliantly – ensuring odious comparisons by referring a couple of times to Rory.

And finally a very nice lady from M & C Saatchi stood up and did what I expected: showed some direct mail in the hope that someone might employ their service.

Unaccustomed to public speaking she pretty much read out what was written on two giant slides. Not a good idea.

Then we were all shown an exhibition of British style since 1948. This explained very well why the Italians and Americans are better than us at that sort of thing.

After all this I had no idea what the purpose of the evening was, except to spend a lot of money. Nor did I know anything about MarketReach.

But in case you’re wondering, here’s what MarketReach is about according to their temporary website (no, they’re not quite ready yet).

“When you add Real to your marketing plans – whether it’s the texture of a special material, the fun of pass the parcel, a taste of chocolate or the unexpected aroma of a flower, you can change the way people feel about your brand. Direct Mail gives people new experiences – ones they will remember and you can translate into increased sales.”

Note the use of the capitalised Real. Very creative.

A client of mine was sent a mailing about Market Reach. As he commented to me, the mailing did everything a mailing should, except the most important one.

It didn’t ask him to do anything. Memo to people at Royal Mail: mailings are supposed to get results. So are you.

You will only do so by explaining to people why they should use you with other media and rather than alternatives.

If you haven’t realised that yet, God help you. Your customers won’t.

Not even all the champagne in the world will save you.

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