Leave now if easily shocked or politically correct. Otherwise, please leave your comments.

Statements such as "brilliant", "hugely perceptive", "what a splendid man" and "can I buy you dinner at the restaurant of your choice" are all greeted with glee.

If you want to succeed faster, get my 51 helpful marketing ideas. You'll get a steady stream of them. People love them - maybe because they're free.

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£15 million here, £390 million there. Pretty soon you’re talking serious money. Billions, actually

Another Royal Bank of Scotland classic. And who will pay? Anyone at the bank? What’s your best guess?

We all remember fondly the man who got this bank into a mess – the deeply unpleasant sociopath Fred Goodwin, now happily playing golf while we wonder why a) he has a pension and b) he isn‘t in jail.

And let us shed a tear for Ross McEwan, the New Zealander chief executive  who volunteered to clear the mess up. I wonder how many more nasty surprises are coming his way

The bank is going to be fined about £15m for giving dodgy mortgage advice to customers, having already been fined £390m for its part in the LIBO rate fixing scam.

The bank lost £8.2bn last year and has set aside £3.2bn to compensate customers mis-sold loans.

The money has to come from somewhere. But we don’t have to wonder where. RBS is 81% owned by us, the taxpayers. So we will be coughing up. Assisted, of course, by the customers. Who are also tax-payers.

And once again we wonder who will be punished for all this criminal activity.

It seems that in this country the only people who never get what should be coming to them are them. The people in charge.

In the quite different, infinitely nastier case it seems nobody is responsible for the 1,400 abused children in Rotherham. The police boss who presided over the mess – in which the police were clearly culpable – doesn’t think he should resign.




Amazing! A bank that does what banks used to do

Could it be that instead of running currency scams and pissing you off they’d do better by doing the right thing?

Down the road from me a rather dull modern building was briefly occupied by part of the Hargreaves Lansdown organisation.

I only know this because they were clients for a few years. They built their business in part by offering a better service than their competitors. They were also (and still are) better at marketing.

This approach paid off to such a tune that earlier this year I calculated one of their two founders was worth more than all the Rolling Stones put together.

Now the building houses a firm called Handelsbanken. Even with my sketchy Swedish, acquired when I ran – or failed to – a disastrous record business in Stockholm 45 years ago, I can work out they must be a bank.

But I didn’t know what kind of a bank until I read something in the Financial Times.

This bank is a throwback.

They have branch managers. The branch managers do what their name suggests. They manage their branches, deciding things like who to lend money to – and at what interest rate.

If you ring up you don’t talk to some poor slave in a call centre. You can talk to the manager directly – even at weekends.

There are no sales targets, but the staff have a real interest in the business. The top bananas don’t get obscenely high salaries. Everyone gets the same bonus. A bonus such that some staff who have been with the bank for ten years can expect to retire with a million pounds.

Their customers rate them more highly than British banks’ customers do. They are more profitable. They are better funded. They have never been fined for crooked behaviour or had to go to the government for help.

The result of all this is that they are highly profitable and busy opening branches while British banks close them.

All this is the exact opposite of the way most businesses are run today. Bosses getting paid obscenely large salaries – 149 times the average of workers. Focus on slashing costs rather than improving service – and on ripping off rather than serving.

It reminds me of what I think is one of the best slogans ever written, for New York stockbrokers E.W. Barney, by Ogilvy & Mather.

“We make money the old fashioned way. We earn it.”

The entire FT article is here: http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/ff11a4c0-2a2e-11e4-a068-00144feabdc0.html#axzz3BTb4ONih



Which is worse? Fraud or incompetence? Lloyds or Nokia?

If people were banged up in jail for blithering ineptitude, who should get the longer stretch?

Honestly, will you choose their phone because you go to work and are alive?

Honestly, will you choose their phone because you go to work and are breathing?











Here’s a good one for you.

“Giving money to a bank is like handing a gallon of beer to a drunk. You know what he’s going to do with it. You’re just not sure which wall it will end up against”.

The same, I often reflect, applies to far too many marketers. Especially those in big firms, where the prime skill is not selling, but climbing up the greasy pole.

Since Microsoft took over Nokia at least 18,000 people have lost their jobs.

It is almost impossible for any sane person to see why they bought the business anyhow. That is unless you can understand this gobbet of corporate gobbledegook from the executive vice president of Microsoft’s mobile devices group, Stephen Elop:

“The Nokia brand name is available for Microsoft to use for a period of time under license”, But he says it “will not be used for long going forward with smartphones” as it lays the plans for “one consistent brand”.

You do know, don’t you, that use of the phrase “going forward” makes many sane people throw up?

But don’t let that influence you. Just ask yourself a question.

Do you think Microsoft/Nokia will give you a better phone than Samsung or Apple? Does the ad you just saw even begin, however vaguely, to tell you how and why? I suspect Mr. Elop, who is actually the former Nokia boss, felt a twinge of nostalgia for the firm he helped run into the ground. Who knows?


Let us now turn to Lloyds.

Their latest criminal currency scam had one “Money Week” writer wondering if it isn’t time to stick a few bankers in jail. Don’t all shout out at once.

But forget fraud. What about sheer cluelessness? If there were punishment for that, the following sent me by Stuart Ferguson would certainly merit a good stretch.

“Hi, Drayton,

Had a phone call from an anonymous lady at my bank today.

Here is the entire sales conversation.

Me: (introducing myself)    Stuart Ferguson

She:    I’m just wondering if you want any insurance. We’re ringing people today.

Me:     No, I’m fine, thanks.

She:    Ok, thanks.

I often suspect that idiots, like whichever buffoon at Lloyds thought such a silly call a good idea, can cause as much damage, given the chance, as his colleagues in their Ingenious But Unpunished Fraud Department.


Returning to Microsoft and Nokia,  a poster which is a variation on the example shown above has enraged me for the last week. Only instead of the pathetic cliché “I want a phone for work and for life” the smirking model says “I want a phone for everything life throws at me”.

I don’t have to explain to you what utter tosh this is. Is there even the faintest hint as to why you should believe Nokia is going to be more use to you than any other phone?

And to imagine one word – “Honestly” – is going to get people reading to see what pleasures await betrays a criminal failure to understand something as  basic as what a headline is for.

On the other hand, you may think I am full of it. You may agree with Adam Johnson, marketing director for Microsoft Mobile UK and Ireland.

He told Marketing Week that Nokia’s story  ”is evolving from a pure hardware play to one experience across platforms.  … Now our marketing has become more seamlessly integrated in terms of tone and colour palette and so on.

Actually Nokia’s story is that they went broke amazingly quickly; but let Mr. Johnson continue:

“Consumers will feel this is more consistent across their journey. This is not just about putting a phone on a plinth [in retail], but more in context of the devices in the family and how the phone integrates with your PC, tablet and Xbox.

It seems that “for those consumers who do not currently own a Windows device, the marketing campaign – which will also use messages such as “effortlessly integrated” in the retail space – will position Lumia as an “entry point” into the “Microsoft software”.

That should do the trick, right? Don’t you wake up every morning wanting an entry point into the Microsoft software? Or do you just hate the bastards?


If you read this far and these quiet comments struck a chord with you – or even if you’d like lots of practical suggestions on how you can avoid making such ghastly mistakes and make more money – I have a suggestion for you.

Today is my birthday. I am 78. Maybe I should quit before I am found out.

So in about six weeks I shall pouring out everything I know about what works and what doesn’t in marketing, and especially the creative side – in two talks.

This will happen in the heart of London at EADIM. Being a modest, lazy and possibly just plain incompetent soul I have said almost nothing about myself on the site.

On the other hand I believe even if I keep my mouth shut this is an extraordinary opportunity for anyone even vaguely interested in marketing, business or success in life.

Have a look and see what you think. Whatever you decide this is absolutely the last time I shall do this.

And if you’re interested there is, of course, a special birthday offer.

Just write to me, Drayton@DraytonBird.com if you’d like to know more.

Sound advice about content (and profit) from one of the two people who depress the hell out of me

Week after week, day after day Bob Bly gives sound advice. Here is what he says about what you get for what you pay

Two people make me feel useless. One – Denny Hatch  – is older than me, and really should  do me a favour and retire to save me embarrassment.

His Target Marketing column keeps telling me things I have forgotten or never knew.

The other – Bob Bly – is younger, but I have been learning from him for decades when I always feel it should be the other way round.

Here he is on one of today’s most fatuous marketing fads – content marketing.

How the hell anyone in the last few thousand years did any selling without content quite escapes me. Maybe you can explain, but here is Bob on what really matters.

It is well worth reading because, as with almost everything he writes, it is utterly practical, grounded in fact, not fancy.

“Content marketing is one of the big hot trends in marketing

But there’s a dirty little secret the content marketing
evangelists won’t tell you — either because they don’t know or
fear it will reduce their value if revealed.

Namely, the more generous your free content offer, the worse
the quality of the leads your content marketing campaign will

Decades ago, Ed Nash articulated the notion that lead quality
and lead quantity are inversely proportional.

If you use tactics that boost lead quantity, you get all those
extra inquiries at the expense of lead quality, because the
tactics attract responses from people who like the free offer
but are not necessarily potential customers.

Conversely, the more you do to qualify the leads your marketing
generates, the better the quality of those leads, but the fewer
you get.

Marketing with freebie offers, whether the giveaway is content
or merchandise, is a tactic that carries with it the danger of
boosting lead quantity — i.e., creating hoards of people who
want your free white paper — at the expense of lead quality.

For instance, I once saw a promotion aimed at farmers to get
them to refer their neighbor farmers to the marketer. The
offer: give us the names of 3 neighbors who buy seed for their
farms and we will send your son a free football.

The marketer was flooded with response. But salespeople
reported that most of the referral names were in fact not seed
buyers nor farmers — and those who were had no interest in
speaking to a sales rep … and in fact resented their neighbor
for giving up their name.

This campaign was submitted to a Caples Award contest in which I was a judge, which was where I saw it. Of course it did not win.

My friend Sy Sperling, founder of the Hair Club for Men (HCM),
said they ran a free content offer on TV where they gave away a $15 book on hair loss. Result: a flood of freeloaders requesting
the book, almost none of whom had any interest in coming into
HCM for a free consultation.

Clearly, free content offers run the risk of requiring you to
give away valuable material to people with no interest in what
you are selling.

How can you make content marketing work better, and get requests for info from genuine prospects instead of deadbeats?

Here are a few suggestions:

>> Make the content of your white paper or special report narrow and specific. Reason: Very few people will download a guide on ”How to Size a Valve” unless they are valve buyers.

>> On the landing page where they can register to download or
request your content, have two boxes to check — one offering
free content and a second offering a free brochure on your
product or service. Those who just request the content without
also asking for product or service information are not good

>> Ask qualifying questions requiring mandatory answers on the landing page. Yes, for each additional field, you will reduce
conversion rate by about 10%. But you will also know from the
answers whether the person is a potential customer or just a
content moocher.

>> In your e-mail or other lead-generating sales copy, stress
the product or service, not the free content offer. Relegate the
free content offer to a secondary position in the copy, perhaps
in the closing paragraphs or a PS. This way, people respond to
your promotion primarily because of their interest in your
product and only secondarily to get the freebie.

>> Conversely, if you build your ad or other promotion around
the free content offer primarily or exclusively, up to 90% of
respondents will be interested only in your freebie, giving you
extremely unqualified inquiries and poor lead quality. However,
this gambit can be profitable with a low cost-per-lead.

For instance, we did a content campaign offering a free e-book
through an ad in an online newsletter. We paid $1,000 for the ad
and got over 100 downloads, giving us a cost per inquiry below

Let’s be ultra conservative and say only 10% of those download
requests were from actual prospects (I believe it was closer to
20%). That would give us a cost per lead (a lead being an
inquiry from a qualified prospect) of $100 — which given the
high cost of the service was still very profitable.”


I would only add one thought, which is that people rarely enquire unless they have some interest, however slight. So it can sometimes pay to get a lot of weak leads because among the dross there may be pearls.

Whether this is the case depends on the profit margin on what you are selling. If you have a big margin you can afford to keep chasing even weak leads. And of course chasing people via email is nigh-on free.

Would I like to work for Lloyds Bank? And whatever happened to doing your homework?

Even amongst the waves of meaningless pap that pour into my inbox, this asinine email from a job-slob stood out for sheer sloth and incompetence

I guess you, like me, get the usual crop of inane waffle in your inbox.

For instance today I was asked “Drayton, how effective are you at engaging with your database?” – which aroused an extraordinary level of irritation considering I haven’t a hangover.

But entertainment to soothe my savage breast came in the form of a wag who wrote offering me a job at Lloyd’s Bank:

From: Andrew Southall <Andrew.Southall@imsworldwide.uk.com>
Date: 17 July 2014 16:22:04 BST
To: “db@draytonbird.com” <db@draytonbird.com>
Subject: RE: Website

Hi Drayton,

Hope you’re well. I came across your website and twitter profile while recruiting for a role that may be of interest to you. I’m recruiting on behalf of Lloyds Banking Group as we change the major websites that they operate through as a part of the Digital Transformation programme, providing new services to customers and making the bank more accessible and up to date, much like other large companies like EE, Sainsbury’s and so forth.

If it is of interest do get back to me as soon as you can and send me an updated copy of your CV as well as confirming that you are happy to go forward.

I read on, panting with excitement to learn that the job pays up to £180 per day, and “this particular resource” (me) would be a content editor for six months or more.

During that time I would “Execute timely and accurate delivery of content changes to Lloyds / HBOS branded secure and non secure sites, via Teamsite content management system.

And I would Work closely with Customer Experience Site Managers and onsite ecommerce in interpreting copy and layout changes to turn these into quality content.

I suspect my wrist would be slapped if I failed to Follow governance processes in place and ensure accurate documentation of change for audit trail. Ensuring the website adheres to standards and guidelines: Brand guidelines, DDA, site structure, tone of voice, performance, legal & compliance.”

No wonder, for I would also have “Responsibility for applying due diligence to authorise changes to the Live websites.”

And for my £180 a day I would “Provide consultancy services on content change both within digital and across the wider content population as Subject Matter Experts”.

There was yet more.

“The role holder” (me again) would be responsible for making timely and accurate content changes to the public and secure websites ranging from small content changes to working on large project pieces.
In addition to the day to day responsibilities the role holder will need to be able to:
• Work to agreed timescales and manage own workload.
• Work well under pressure
• Manage stakeholder expectations
• Have a very high level of attention to detail. Accuracy is vital.
• Work well as part of a team.

But there was still yet more. I would also need:

Experience with Content Management Systems (CMS), as well an understanding of basic HTML code.

And I would be good at Teamworking. And need
• Basic Technical knowledge of the web and HTML.
• Basic knowledge of TeamSite or another CMS.
• Taking ownership of change and seeing it through.
• Managing stakeholders and meeting expectations.
• Self Organisation

What brought a wry smile was the news that “Ideally someone with web experience would preferable.”

I assume the missing “be” was just to see if I was paying attention, but essentially this was like digging through the stinking literary garbage found in the intellectual dustbins of commerce.”

And would I like to “go forward”? I’d run a bloody mile. Three days, never mind six months working with people who talk like that would drive any normal person to self-harm and perhaps suicide.

As you can imagine, my P.A., the redoubtable Kelly couldn’t wait to alert me to this opportunity.

But as you can also imagine, either Mr. Southall never really looked at my website or is too thick to comprehend that the person it is named after just isn’t up to the demands of a job like that.

Kelly, however, got a lot of laughs out of it all – especially when I told her that in 1986 I actually introduced Lloyds Bank to the joys of direct marketing.

Only estate agents are more useless than recruitment agencies.

The decline of advertising in 52 years and two pictures

From one of the best advertising campaigns ever to a deer in the headlights. Where did it all go wrong?

avis2Picture 001


Being an old fart I cannot resist the thought, manfully though I try, that things were better in my day.

This is, by and large, all balls for a number of reasons.

I doubt if many people now live the way folks did 58 years ago when  I moved into my house at number 175, Katherine Street, Ashton under Lyne (£775 freehold – and we overpaid).

The toilet was outside in the yard, where I used to fall asleep after too much Lutomer Reisling (40p a bottle) and where my wife Pam hung the washing. The yard, I mean, not the toilet. The washing would get covered with little black spots from all the coal fires.

We were the only ones in our row with a bath, which our neighbours would come and ask to use.

We were thrilled with our little black and white TV and its two channels (for some reason many of the programmes assumed you were not an illiterate moron).

Another reason it’s balls is simple. To my surprise, it’s still my day, so to speak.

The internet whiz Doberman Dan rang me up the other day to talk about doing a podcast. He asked if I still write copy. I do – in fact I wrote three pieces that morning.

I am tempted to say I’m not as good as I once was but I’m as good once as I ever was, though that’s open to debate.

More to the point, I think there has been a precipitous decline in advertising since 1952 when Doyle Dane Bernbach produced the ad on the left until now when the load of steaming crap on the right was excreted by some witless crew and approved by a “Chief Creative Officer”.

The slogan “We Try Harder” – one of the best ever written – was used for 50 years before a re-branding in 2012. At that point Avis – or whichever incompetents they overpaid – devised a new slogan, “It’s Your Space.”

Hello? Did they decide to go into the real estate business? Who knows? But you can be damn sure of three things.

First, there were lots of meetings involving far too many people with tiny brains, no knowledge of  communication and nothing better to do.

Second, a huge pile of jargon-encrusted waffle was produced to justify this inane decision.

And third those responsible were idiots.

If you want to know why those old ads were good, why Avis shot from nowhere to success, and what’s wrong with business today read “Up the Organisation” by Robert Townsend. One of the wisest, shortest and most entertaining books about business ever written.

In 1966 and later I worked with people from Doyle Dane Bernbach and Ogilvy who were in those agencies in that Golden Age. They helped turn me into someone who can still write copy that sells after 50-odd years.

If you want to know what I know join me in October in London.

The gentle art of polishing turds, as practiced by banks

Naive delusions cherished by the ignorant: what advertising can and cannot do

Heartless or Heartfelt??

Heartless or Heartfelt?

As we have discovered to our cost, bankers may not be in the same category as paedophiles, but they do tend far too often to be grasping soulless bastards.

No doubt you like me wonder why none – in this country anyhow – have landed in jail so far. Some major culprits still being paid millions to do a very bad job.

Mr Jenkins at Barclays seems a prime example. It is about a year since he famously said “We must never again be in a position of rewarding people for making the bank money in a way which is inconsistent with our values”.

These cherished values have just resulted in the bank being accused by the New York Attorney General of a “Flagrant pattern of fraud, deception and dishonesty.”

Either Mr.Jenkins is bloody useless as he didn’t know what was going on under his nose, or bloody dishonest as he allowed it to happen. But why should he care? He was due to get £4m in shares last February as a reward for whichever characteristic is correct.

Evidence of just how clueless top bankers are emerged a few days ago when I read that top bankers have just decided it’s important to simplify things.

Anyone who ever bought a hamburger at McDonalds or a book on Amazon – anyone with even a passing understanding of business – knows how vital it is to make things easy for customers. But these overpaid, smug bozos have only just latched on.

They are also among the many who don’t really understand what advertising can and cannot do. It cannot, for instance, change the facts.

Ever since the great 2008 catastrophe they have been strengthening their balance sheets – which they must to avoid another disaster. So they haven’t been lending, and everyone has noticed. Some have run ad campaigns claiming they do, using selective examples. This won’t work if most people know damn well that they don’t.

Others have decided that all you have to do is claim you are nice and everyone will believe you. A good example is the poster illustrated, which I saw in New Jersey recently. I reviewed itt last month in AskDrayton, with a number of others. It’s actually rather good advertising – but the fatal flaw I mentioned: nobody will believe it.

And the other day – which prompted this effusion – I read that Commbank in Australia, which has been up to all the usual dirty tricks, is running a campaign that purports to show they’re human. It won’t work. Turds are turds and banks – for the most part – appear to be run by overpaid, grasping shits.

They should save their money and put it into doing a better job for customers.

By the way, if you want to know the seven things you must excel at to succeed in this wicked world, they are listed at the start of this page.

How to survive the most terrifying thing apart from meeting a big, nasty poisonous snake that wants to kill you

A friend has to make a speech. He asked me for advice yesterday. Here it is

Sheer terror! I know damn well how Carl feels – because I was so terrified of speaking in public.

I couldn’t pluck up the courage till I was 41.

And even then it took desperation, two tranquillisers and a couple of large brandies. It’s surprising I didn’t fall asleep before the audience. But I survived – and they liked it. In fact I have now spoken in over 50 countries without being physically attacked.

So here’s the advice I gave Carl.

1. Have a theme, not just a series of slides. For instance I am doing a talk in Sweden in 10 days to chief executives in the food industry. My theme is that marketing people don’t study. State your theme at the start, proceed to justify and enlarge on it then restate or sum up the solution at the end.

2. Give examples. One example is worth a ton of exhortations. In a talk I did in Portugal last week I suggested that marketing lacks the discipline of proper professions like the law. Then I gave seven ways in which marketers fail, with examples. I also give examples from the past and from other countries and businesses.

3. Wherever possible use pictures, with as few words as possible. For instance I use a picture of the stele of Hammurabi, the first law giver, when pointing out that the history of marketing is very short – the word was first used in 1908.

4. Quote authorities. I quote all sorts of people in my talks. In my next talk, two French writers and an American philosopher. This gives a degree of gravity and shows you are a serious, thoughtful person who has done his homework.

5. If you can, be funny. This is far easier than it sounds. All you have to do is show stupid ads or commercials. There are thousands online. No need to make any jokes. They do it for you. My partner Timo – a Finn -  sent me a quick video about Sweden yesterday which made me laugh out loud. He didn’t have to say “this is funny”. The best comedians have straight faces (I am not very good – laugh at my own jokes).

6. Rehearse until you know exactly what you want to say. I spend weeks thinking about any presentation I make. I don’t sit down and do so. It is on my mind and I just keep coming back to it. One of the best speakers I know of – a former chairman of Ogilvy & Mather – told a friend that it took him two days to deliver a 30 minute speech.

7. As with an advertisement or any other message, the beginning is crucial. I give great thought to how I will begin, as people decide whether they like you within 30 seconds. I usually have several alternatives in mind. The easiest and simplest is a very loud Good morning! – with a smile and a pause. That is surprisingly effective.

8. Use notes if you like. David Ogilvy often did. But don’t just look down and read them out. Pause after you’ve read something, and look at the audience. You must rake the audience with your eyes, like the guns of a battleship, so they feel included.

9. Speaking is frightening – unless you’re a conceited ass. I still worry after hundreds of speeches. The minute you stop worrying you’re in trouble (which applies to everything in my view). You may be tempted to get it over with as quickly as possible – and start gabbling. Don’t. Within reason, the slower the better.

10. Take great note of the context. Take the previous speakers: what did they say? If someone else said something good, say so. People will like you for doing so. The room, the audience. Who are they? How can you involve them? What are they worried about? You must find out when you are asked to speak. Speeches – in the business context – are just like marketing. What is the problem? How can you help solve it?

But I do not consider myself an expert, so I also suggested this to Carl:

But when he is back he will send you a copy of a video we recorded of Andy Bounds last week.

He taught me a lot about public speaking.

It is part of the AndyBoundsonline.com series we have put together. Yours to profit from.

A desperate plea for help: IT masochist needed

Wanted for nightmare part-time job: a pointy-head as good as Anthony

Do you understand – really understand – the dark mysteries of the internet?

Can you imagine what it’s like to work for someone who doesn’t have the vaguest idea – yet expects you to rescue him and his colleagues from all manner of tragedies, cock-ups and last minute panics?

Can you imagine this loopy old fool would have the nerve to contact you at crazy hours and expect you to work your magic?

And that he and his colleagues may contact you at weekends – because they often work then too?

And can you believe these horrors are not even that well paid?

Anthony has put up with all that – and more.

He was only 22 when he began. Now after three years he looks a rather tired 85.

He’s saved us from countless disasters.

He’s very polite, amazingly quick, slightly mad and very forgiving – because he says he’s enjoyed the ride.

I have no idea what he’s been doing or how hard it is, but he says “the hours are unpredictable, but the work isn’t especially taxing – just time consuming sometimes”.

This is only true if you can do all this – very well and very quickly.

- Set up, manage, and tinker with WordPress sites

- Help with products we sell through PayPal using custom buttons, subscription payments etc.

- Proof read emails we send out every day

- Send broadcast emails and set up auto-responders using services like Aweber and iContact

- Manage orders in Clickbank

- Convert videos from one format to another, so they’re OK for playing on the web

- Upload and manage files on Amazon S3

- Be comfortable with FTP, website hosting, cPanel and making small changes to databases using PHPMyAdmin

- Know enough HTML and CSS to set up stand-alone landing pages

- Occasionally find a Javascript or PHP snippet and make it work on a landing page.

- Also very occasional minor video editing.

- Plus a thing called Fast Member that none of us have a clue about except him

- And be able to write decent English

- All this takes the marvellous Anthony 15 hours a week

What’s the upside?

Well, the business is quite interesting.

You never have to come to the office – we don’t have a proper one. In fact you can do this from anywhere.

I don’t give a hoot what age you are – or anything else except whether you can do all the above and are literate.

We’re among the best in the world at what we do.

And if you want to succeed in marketing – well, this is a pretty good place to learn.

Many people who started with me have gone on to become remarkably successful all over the world.

I always listen to suggestions and promote talent.

You may find us good fun.

So if what you’ve read interests you, email kelly@draytonbird.com.

Do it now, as we tend to get a lot of replies when we advertise jobs.

The blog he didn’t dare to run: a sad story for you about corporate cowardice

Would this 10 point guide to modern marketing upset you? I hope not.

A friend wrote what follows for his firm’s blog. But he decided they’d never let him run it. Too true to be funny. I think it’s marvellous. How about you?


A 10-point guide to modern marketing

1. Do not, under any circumstances, try to sell anything to people. Selling is a relic of the 20th century, like humility or non-online porn.

 2. You must not ‘interrupt’ people with your marketing. People must grant you permission before you are allowed to not sell something to them.

3. Whatever it is that you create, make sure it is shareable. The best way to do this is to present it in bite-sized pieces. Like a fun-size Mars bar. Except they’re not shareable, come to think of it. Er, forget that analogy.

4. The ultimate aim of being shared is to go viral. Exposing yourself to as many people as possible is the goal. So, in summary: selling = evil; shameless global exhibitionism = good.

5. No matter what you communicate about your business, you must make sure that it adds value. A good way to add value is to write blog posts about how important it is to add value.

6. Modern marketing is all about engagement. You can ‘build’ engagement or ‘grow’ engagement, but the best way to achieve an embiggening of engagement is to ‘drive’ it.

7. Make sure that your marketing efforts are in alignment. With what, you ask? With everything: your culture, your values, your vision, and your mission. If you don’t have any of these, just steal them from another company; they’re the same for every business.

8. Don’t get caught up ‘doing’ things. Instead, you should plan things or, even better, strategise things. Only low-paid chumps do things.

9. An excellent way to avoid doing things is to automate them. Need to measure something? Automate it. Customer service? Automate that shit too. And if you need some writing done, there are thousands of monkeys on thousands of keyboards out there. Hire one. Hell, hire them all – they work for nothing.

10. Whatever business you’re in, you must be innovative. The only thing you can’t be innovative about is using another word for ‘innovative’, because it is mandatory. Say you’re innovative. Then say you’re innovative again. Innovative.